What Do You Do?

One rage victim asked me "What do you do when someone is raging?" That's the $64,000 question to victims. We can't stop a rager mid-scream. Even talking rationally to them only makes them angrier. There's absolutely nothing we can do to stop them.

So isn't it completely out of our hands?
Well, not completely. The question is, if we can't control the anger, what can we control? We can control ourselves!

Control ourselves? We're not the ones flying off the handle.
No, but we're the ones choosing to stick around for the show. We're the ones allowing ourselves to be subjected to that type of treatment. We have the power to leave.

What if the rager prevents me from leaving?
If the rager forcibly stops us then we're into physical abuse. I think I would wait until "the opportune moment," as Jack Sparrow says, and then leave forever and never come back. Never having actually been in that situation, I can only surmise.

What if other matters stop me? (For example, my dad effectually uses my mom as a hostage. If we aren't willing to have him around, we can't have her around. If we tell him to go home until he can behave himself, we're also telling mom to go home until Dad can behave himself. Bear in mind, this is a team effort. It wouldn't work without Mom's compliance.)
I agree, the decision isn't an easy one. It would be easier if the rager didn't have anything to hold over us, but if he does we have a tough decision to make. (Which do I want more: not see Mom or be subject to Dad's raging?) It's a tricky choice, and it may flip flop. But if I'm allowing Dad to be around during his fits, I need to be aware that I'm contributing to his ill manners. Notice I put "contributing" in bold. I don't mean "permitting" or "tolerating". I mean "rewarding," "condoning," "validating." I mean I'm part of the problem. If I accept that responsibility, then I have no right to get angry with Dad when he blows his top. I need to get control of myself first!

What if I'm too afraid to walk away?
That's no small reality. I learned this once when I was a victim to rage. You'd think a fellow rager would just be back in the other guy's face, but his 200 pounds looming over me, and his angry face leering down on me were very intimidating. It probably was my own understanding of his mood that allowed me to pull myself up to a standing position and mutter a one word answer to his bellowing. Even adult to adult, rager to rager, and knowing his anger had been triggered by my own unkind words, I felt frightened and that I never wanted to be near him again. It took weeks, even though we live in different cities, for me to call him and lay down my rule of conduct for myself. I won't engage in similar conversations with you in the future. They're too volatile. Now, when I'm around him and a controversial subject arises, it's my job to remove myself from the place, and thereby from the threat of his anger.

That's not fair! Why do I have to leave? Why can't the rager go?
That works for children who are having temper tantrums. We just pick them up and put them in their room. Unfortunately, adults behaving like spoiled toddlers do not become the size of spoiled toddlers. It's simply a question of control. What can I, the victim, control? All I can control is myself. What am I willing to do to stop being yelled at? Am I willing to leave the room? Am I willing to go by myself? Would I rather be a willing victim and hang around until it all blows over, even knowing I'm fueling future crises?

There's one caveat I must add. I've said it before. Even if I'm willing to stick around and be raged at, I have an obligation to remove those who can't remove themselves, those who have no control. That includes children, disabled, elderly, etc. And, since I have now contributed to the problem and become a willing participant, I have the responsibility to prevent future tirades at those innocent victims at a time when I'm not around, by removing them from the proximity of the rager, if necessary, while I'm gone.

What if I just freeze because I'm so stunned by what's happening?
I'm sorry to say the problem will still get worse. I can't say we've willingly contributed. It's clear we were blindsided. But we'll have to sit down and have a very frank chat with ourselves afterward to decide how we will respond in future similar circumstances. Then we'll have to practice our response, so when the time comes we're ready. Let's not deceive ourselves that it was a one time occurrence. It'll be repeated as long as the rager gets away with it. What's more, it'll escalate.