Stop the Storm

My dad yelled at my mom again, right in front of my young teenage boys. Some of you (you who are ragers and you who get raged at) know that I don't mean your basic yelling. Exasperated yelling, like saying loudly, "Leave me alone!" You know I mean shouting furious, critical, even hateful words. You know this kind of yelling is often accompanied by threatening words or body language. And you know how you feel afterward. Whether you're the rager or the ragee, you want to crawl in a hole and never come out.

Of course, afterward my mom didn't want to talk about it, and my dad started fishing for any signs of acceptance. Meanwhile, I tried to let my sons know Grandpa's actions were unacceptable in any way. Inside me is a tornado of emotions. Up goes my own rage at my father's abuse. Down - I feel sad for my kind and gentle mother. Up - frustration at her unwillingness to reject Dad's behavior. Spinning faster - I see myself, my own raging. Understanding of my dad tumbles over absolute rejection of his conduct. How can I silence the storm? This blog is my attempt.

This violent form of verbal abuse is a real problem in my family. Besides my dad and me, there are others who all ragers. Having raged and having been raged at, I see the damage. So let's talk.

Here is the only rule I can think of so far:

1. Anything that looks like a real name, any yucky language, whether swearing or not, and any name calling will be deleted at my discretion.

One other thing: All people involved in a raging relationship may become a part of the problem, even if it doesn't originate with them. We ragers need to stop expecting our victims to stop us, and we victims need to change circumstances that allow ragers to hurt us. I can't stop my dad from yelling at my mom. I can't make my mom take a break from him when he's yelling. But I can decide my boys won't be present when it happens. I don't need to be extreme. I just need to arrange circumstances so that they aren't alone with my mom and dad, or even just my dad, until I have taught them how to extract themselves from such unpleasant situations.