Criticism = Rejection

Criticism = Rejection.

This was a warning from James Jones. When I heard it I knew he was right. When I criticize my kids, I am, in effect, rejecting them. Looking back on harsh words I'd said, I felt sorry for the hurt I had caused them. I imagined my own mother rejecting me, and knew how it would break my heart.

I was clueless. Time and my struggle to overcome my caustic remarks led me to what Jones really meant.

One day my family and I were leaving town on an overnight trip. We had the usual minor stresses with getting out of the house. On the way out of town we stopped to pick up breakfast at McDonald's. One of the boys said, "Dad, you're a great cook!" I added, "Thanks, honey. Thanks a lot." My daughter instantly defended, "I think he was talking about the McDonald's food, Mom."

I was confused. Why did she feel a need to defend anyone from me? Even now I'm not sure what she thought. Possibly that I was being sarcastic? All I know is that somehow I have trained my kids to interpret my words as negative and condemning. In a moment when I'm being straight forward, fair, and gentle that kind of interpretation comes as a slap in the face.

Similar events have happened many times. The first time it happened was when I realized the full meaning of "criticism = rejection." It's not just about me turning away from them. It's about them shunning me. It came to me as a simultaneous aha! moment and duh! moment. Of course they would. It's painful to have acidic words thrown at you. What do we do when we are caused pain? We stop whatever is causing it! If it causes pain to my family when they're with me, they're going to stop being with me!

Though I hadn't put it in those simple terms, "Criticism = Rejection," I knew it all along, really. After yelling at my husband or kids, what became my mantra? "Everybody hates me." Hello? What else could I expect? Of course, everyone wants to avoid unpleasantness and the source of it. If I'm the source, everyone wants to avoid me.

Now here's the tricky part. If you're busy telling yourself everyone hates you, you might try to get them to reassure you to the contrary. If those around you are nicer than you, they may actually give you what you want. But you know, and they know, that if they don't hate you it's because they're nice, not because you are. If they don't reject you it's because of nobility in them. So it ends up a game, taking turns. You're mean - they're hurt - you're repentant - they're forgiving...

My question is, when is it your turn to be forgiving, or hurt? You'll have your time, when you suddenly realize that one by one they have stopped forgiving, or allowing you to hurt them. Then you'll feel what James Jones said, what I'm saying:

Criticism = Rejection.