Inventory Time

One year it seemed like everyone I met was somehow involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. They were either recovering alcoholics, or family of alcoholics. I had known of AA before, but, never having had alcohol problems in my immediate or extended family, I really didn't know much about it. However, at this time in my life I couldn't seem to stop hearing about the twelve steps of recovery. It took me years to actually learn what those twelve steps were. By then, society had started applying those steps to many kinds of addiction. It took me more years to realize that my anger went beyond habit, and was actually a sort of addiction. I've already briefly mentioned the first three steps of addiction recovery:

1. We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

The fourth step was to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I guess I had started this years before I really faced my problem head on, back when the police came to my door (see post entitled "Wake Up! When Verbal Abuse Becomes Physical"). Fearless doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. Indeed, I was terrified at what I might see about myself. I guess the fearlessness came in continuing to look at myself and my actions, both past and present. Even then, it took years before I stopped wanting to lay the blame at the feet of the people around me, either in the past or present. Sometimes I explained my raging as a result of life circumstances, again, both past and present.

But truth will out, and I eventually had to acknowledge that my actions were my choice, regardless of my surroundings. I was surprised at the freedom I gained from that realization. The first result of realizing that I was responsible for my raging was that I actually had more power over it. I still had to rely on God for help to use that little power, but at least I knew the power didn't belong to the past, the present, my husband, children, or parents. The power rightfully was mine, and with time and help from God I could learn how to use it. What's more I became more honest with myself and others about my thoughts and emotions.

I know you ragers reading this just want to skip it. DON'T! It's painful, but, as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions explains:

Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach

I hope you don't take as many years to do this as I did. During those years I continued to give others pain and sorrow while I could have been rebuilding loving relationships. Once you've decided to take this daring step, you could use any of these ideas found in Addiction Recovery Program - A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing

One way to do an inventory is to list memories of people; institutions or organizations; principles, ideas, or beliefs; and events, situations, or circumstances that trigger positive and negative feelings (including sadness, regret, anger, resentment, fear, bitterness). Some items on the list may appear multiple times. That is okay. Do not try to sort or judge or analyze at this point. For now, the most important thing is to be as thorough as possible. ...Look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior.

Some people group their lives according to age, grades in school, places lived, or relationships. Others start simply by brainstorming. You will probably not remember everything all at once. Leave this process open-ended, and add to your inventory as your memories come.

Some people organize this part of their inventory into a table or chart with columns under each of the five headings listed below. They restrict their entries to brief statements. Others create a page for each entry on their list, and then write answers in each of the... categories.

Incident.What happened? In just a few words, give a short description of your memory of the event. Think more in terms of a summary rather than a long story.
Effect.What was the effect on you or others?
Feelings.What were your feelings at the time of the incident? What are your feelings now about it? Consider how your fears may have contributed to it.
Self-examination.How did your character weaknesses or strengths affect the situation? Do you see any evidence of pride, self-pity, self-deception, or self-will in your attitudes and actions? Be sure to record also those times when you acted right. ...
Questions like these may help:
• What outcome did I want in this situation and why?
• How did I try to control the situation?
• Was it any of my business?
• What actions did I take or omit to get what I wanted?
• Did I ignore reality?
• Were my expectations reasonable for myself and for others?
• Did I lie to myself or to others?
• Did I ignore the feelings of others and think only of myself?
• How did I act like a victim to control others, get attention and sympathy, be special, and so on?
• Did I resist help from God and others?
• Did I insist on being right?
• Did I feel slighted for lack of recognition or acknowledgment?

Well, this has been a long post. I hope the information here will help good things happen in your life. It really is possible to get rid of that miserable "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some worms" feeling. Taking inventory takes us one step closer.