About Control

I'm a little concerned. In my post entitled, "Wake Up! When Verbal Abuse Becomes Physical," I may have confused some people. There are things I WANT to clear up, and others I NEED to clear up.

What I want to clear up:

• I'm not a slimy mom who sits around generally neglecting her kids.

• I've been involved with my kids in many of their activities, PTA, scouts, music, drama, etc.

• I'm very willing and good at helping my kids when they're struggling with their homework.

• I'm not a stage-mom. That is to say my kids are involved in things THEY are interested in, not necessarily what I'm interested in. For example, I have kids involved in writing, music, health, science, history, etc. Some of these are not my forte, but they are theirs and I'm glad for them.

• Many people compliment my mothering, setting me up as an example of good parenting. Boy, that makes me cringe inside! And I can't say anything cuz I really have great kids! All I can say is, "Yeah, my husband and I got really lucky."

I guess I just wanted to say these things because I don't want other ragers to stick me in a convenient little slot they label "bad moms" that they don't fit in, and then walk away without facing the cold hard fact of their own responsibility.

What I NEED to clear up are a few sentences in my last post that need clarifying:

We admitted we were powerless over our [anger]--that our lives had become unmanageable.

I had let anger take control of my life.

I threw things a couple times, but I always made sure it wasn't gonna get close to anyone.

I'd like to say all my troubles with anger ceased and desisted from then on, but as I said before, I had given up my control.

The question is, if I'm really so out of control, why ask me to address the problem? I can't. Right? And if I've really given up control, how can I decide to throw something so it doesn't hurt anyone?

Good questions. Clearly I have some amount of control, and yet there's a certain amount of control I lack. I can't fix the problem by myself, but NOBODY can solve the problem without ME. So what control do I have?

The problem can only be overcome if:

1. I decide it's unacceptable and must stop. (Hard to come to because it shames me, but only after I come to this conclusion will I stop.)

2. I realize my inability to stop it. (Again hard to come to because being this powerless is embarrassing, and again, this acknowledgment must come from me.)

3. I find a power stronger than me or my anger to help me stop it. (While I can't stop it, only I can seek out a power that can.)

The fact that I threw things, but only where I knew it wouldn't hurt people is evidence that physically hurting people was unacceptable to me, but somehow threatening or raging at them was okay. (Keep in mind I'm telling you things that took me years to face and figure out. If you'll read these posts over and over, gleaning only one tidbit a day, you'll be way ahead of me and have better relationships, and more guilt-free time than I've had. Hooray!) It was through watching others rage, and the affect it had on those around them, that I realized even verbally hurting someone was unacceptable behavior. When I began trying to stop raging altogether, using a million little tricks of will, over time I finally realized it was beyond me. I couldn't do it alone. That's when things started getting better. That's when my relationships started healing.