In an earlier post entitled, "Can You Count to 10?" I discussed time out. Let me tell you more specifically what happened on my first self-imposed time out.
When the warning realization came from God that I was getting upset, at first I wanted to ignore it. Thoughts like those I'd had in the past - "I have a right to be angry," and "Why can't they just understand" - leaped to mind, but another thought came, too. It came with fear - "I asked God to warn me three seconds sooner. If I don't listen now, he won't warn me again." The fear that I would be lost to my rage, and on my own instead of having God's help, drove me to my room.
I was still angry. Even more so because I had given the control of the situation to God so I could concentrate on getting control of myself. It was a desperate act of faith. When I went to my room I wept bitter tears of resentment, frustration, rejection, even anguish. My tears were interrupted by the same troubled and confused thoughts I had experienced in the past - justifications, clarifications, explanations, all followed by still more tears. I don't recall how long I wept, nor how long I stayed in my room. Perhaps it was hours, but eventually the emotions drained me and I rested.
Then came the turning point. All my emotions had been the same as in the past. I had vented those feelings, through tears instead of raging. And now, after that was done, I felt the difference. Sitting in my room I felt the distinct absence of one emotion I had grown very accustomed to - guilt. It wasn't there! I hadn't yelled at anyone. I hadn't used language I was ashamed of. I hadn't threatened or called anyone names. There was nothing in my actions to regret. I didn't have to go to my children or my husband and tell them how sorry I was. I didn't have to hear the obligatory forgiveness from them, and know it was more filled with hope and fear than with truth. I didn't hear that childhood song going through my mind, "Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some worms."
It was so freeing! I don't recall the issue that upset me so on that occasion, but to my very core I will always remember the peace that gradually filled me up and satisfied my soul that day.
The next time I felt myself getting upset, I was eager to run to my room. I wanted to hang on to that precious peace I had found. It became easier and easier to extract myself from situations that could needlessly escalate to ridiculous and shameful levels, and when I did the peace continued to build.
I don't want to pass on the false message that in one event my habits completely changed, nor that my family was instantly healed. What I do want to say is that in one anguish-filled moment of discovery my desire to turn to anger changed to a stronger desire to hold my peace.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Inventory Time
One year it seemed like everyone I met was somehow involved in Alcoholics Anonymous. They were either recovering alcoholics, or family of alcoholics. I had known of AA before, but, never having had alcohol problems in my immediate or extended family, I really didn't know much about it. However, at this time in my life I couldn't seem to stop hearing about the twelve steps of recovery. It took me years to actually learn what those twelve steps were. By then, society had started applying those steps to many kinds of addiction. It took me more years to realize that my anger went beyond habit, and was actually a sort of addiction. I've already briefly mentioned the first three steps of addiction recovery:
1. We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
The fourth step was to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I guess I had started this years before I really faced my problem head on, back when the police came to my door (see post entitled "Wake Up! When Verbal Abuse Becomes Physical"). Fearless doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. Indeed, I was terrified at what I might see about myself. I guess the fearlessness came in continuing to look at myself and my actions, both past and present. Even then, it took years before I stopped wanting to lay the blame at the feet of the people around me, either in the past or present. Sometimes I explained my raging as a result of life circumstances, again, both past and present.
But truth will out, and I eventually had to acknowledge that my actions were my choice, regardless of my surroundings. I was surprised at the freedom I gained from that realization. The first result of realizing that I was responsible for my raging was that I actually had more power over it. I still had to rely on God for help to use that little power, but at least I knew the power didn't belong to the past, the present, my husband, children, or parents. The power rightfully was mine, and with time and help from God I could learn how to use it. What's more I became more honest with myself and others about my thoughts and emotions.
I know you ragers reading this just want to skip it. DON'T! It's painful, but, as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions explains:
I hope you don't take as many years to do this as I did. During those years I continued to give others pain and sorrow while I could have been rebuilding loving relationships. Once you've decided to take this daring step, you could use any of these ideas found in Addiction Recovery Program - A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing
Well, this has been a long post. I hope the information here will help good things happen in your life. It really is possible to get rid of that miserable "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some worms" feeling. Taking inventory takes us one step closer.
1. We admitted we were powerless over [our addiction]-that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
The fourth step was to make a searching and fearless moral inventory of myself. I guess I had started this years before I really faced my problem head on, back when the police came to my door (see post entitled "Wake Up! When Verbal Abuse Becomes Physical"). Fearless doesn't mean I wasn't afraid. Indeed, I was terrified at what I might see about myself. I guess the fearlessness came in continuing to look at myself and my actions, both past and present. Even then, it took years before I stopped wanting to lay the blame at the feet of the people around me, either in the past or present. Sometimes I explained my raging as a result of life circumstances, again, both past and present.
But truth will out, and I eventually had to acknowledge that my actions were my choice, regardless of my surroundings. I was surprised at the freedom I gained from that realization. The first result of realizing that I was responsible for my raging was that I actually had more power over it. I still had to rely on God for help to use that little power, but at least I knew the power didn't belong to the past, the present, my husband, children, or parents. The power rightfully was mine, and with time and help from God I could learn how to use it. What's more I became more honest with myself and others about my thoughts and emotions.
I know you ragers reading this just want to skip it. DON'T! It's painful, but, as Twelve Steps and Twelve Traditions explains:
Without a searching and fearless moral inventory, most of us have found the faith which really works in daily living is still out of reach
I hope you don't take as many years to do this as I did. During those years I continued to give others pain and sorrow while I could have been rebuilding loving relationships. Once you've decided to take this daring step, you could use any of these ideas found in Addiction Recovery Program - A Guide to Addiction Recovery and Healing
One way to do an inventory is to list memories of people; institutions or organizations; principles, ideas, or beliefs; and events, situations, or circumstances that trigger positive and negative feelings (including sadness, regret, anger, resentment, fear, bitterness). Some items on the list may appear multiple times. That is okay. Do not try to sort or judge or analyze at this point. For now, the most important thing is to be as thorough as possible. ...Look beyond your past behaviors and examine the thoughts, feelings, and beliefs that led to your behavior.
Some people group their lives according to age, grades in school, places lived, or relationships. Others start simply by brainstorming. You will probably not remember everything all at once. Leave this process open-ended, and add to your inventory as your memories come.
Some people organize this part of their inventory into a table or chart with columns under each of the five headings listed below. They restrict their entries to brief statements. Others create a page for each entry on their list, and then write answers in each of the... categories.
Incident.What happened? In just a few words, give a short description of your memory of the event. Think more in terms of a summary rather than a long story.
Effect.What was the effect on you or others?
Feelings.What were your feelings at the time of the incident? What are your feelings now about it? Consider how your fears may have contributed to it.
Self-examination.How did your character weaknesses or strengths affect the situation? Do you see any evidence of pride, self-pity, self-deception, or self-will in your attitudes and actions? Be sure to record also those times when you acted right. ...
Questions like these may help:
• What outcome did I want in this situation and why?
• How did I try to control the situation?
• Was it any of my business?
• What actions did I take or omit to get what I wanted?
• Did I ignore reality?
• Were my expectations reasonable for myself and for others?
• Did I lie to myself or to others?
• Did I ignore the feelings of others and think only of myself?
• How did I act like a victim to control others, get attention and sympathy, be special, and so on?
• Did I resist help from God and others?
• Did I insist on being right?
• Did I feel slighted for lack of recognition or acknowledgment?
Well, this has been a long post. I hope the information here will help good things happen in your life. It really is possible to get rid of that miserable "nobody likes me, everybody hates me, I'm gonna eat some worms" feeling. Taking inventory takes us one step closer.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Immersing Myself in the Message
I'm a religious person, as I've mentioned before, and I go to church every Sunday. Over the years I've heard many lessons on keeping my temper and holding my tongue. Since the message was uncomfortable for me, I'd listen, agree on a surface level with the message, or maybe even have an honest moment with myself and vow to change. But my desire never really began to have an effect on my actions until I began to immerse myself in messages that addressed the problem directly. Among the messages I studied were scriptures referring to how we use our words. For others who love God but are kept from peace, in part by your harmful words, here is a list of scriptures to deepen your desire for change.
For one person's study on the power of the tongue you can go to
http://www.dianedew.com/tongue.htm
Here's a list of scriptures with which to start your own study:
Psalms 34:13
What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?
Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.
Psalms 39:1
I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.
Psalms 52:2
Why boastest thou thyself in mischief, O mighty man? the goodness of God endureth continually.
Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.
Psalms 141:3
Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.
Proverbs 10:19-21
In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.
The tongue of the just is as choice silver: the heart of the wicked is little worth.
The lips of the righteous feed many: but fools die for want of wisdom.
Proverbs 10:31-32
The mouth of the just bringeth forth wisdom: but the froward tongue shall be cut out.
The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable: but the mouth of the wicked speaketh frowardness.
Froward is defined as habitually disposed to disobedience and opposition, willfully contrary; not easily managed.
Proverbs 15:1-2, 4, 7, 18, 23, 26, 28
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.
The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so.
A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!
The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord: but the words of the pure are pleasant words.
The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.
Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Proverbs 21:23
Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.
Matthew 15:11, 17-18
Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
Luke 6:45
A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
Ephesians 4:29-32
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Colossians 4:6
Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
James 1:19-20, 26
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.
James 3:2-13
For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.
Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.
Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.
1 Peter 3:10
For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
For one person's study on the power of the tongue you can go to
http://www.dianedew.com/tongue.htm
Here's a list of scriptures with which to start your own study:
Psalms 34:13
What man is he that desireth life, and loveth many days, that he may see good?
Keep thy tongue from evil, and thy lips from speaking guile.
Psalms 39:1
I said, I will take heed to my ways, that I sin not with my tongue: I will keep my mouth with a bridle, while the wicked is before me.
Psalms 52:2
Why boastest thou thyself in mischief, O mighty man? the goodness of God endureth continually.
Thy tongue deviseth mischiefs; like a sharp razor, working deceitfully.
Psalms 141:3
Set a watch, O Lord, before my mouth; keep the door of my lips.
Proverbs 10:19-21
In the multitude of words there wanteth not sin: but he that refraineth his lips is wise.
The tongue of the just is as choice silver: the heart of the wicked is little worth.
The lips of the righteous feed many: but fools die for want of wisdom.
Proverbs 10:31-32
The mouth of the just bringeth forth wisdom: but the froward tongue shall be cut out.
The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable: but the mouth of the wicked speaketh frowardness.
Froward is defined as habitually disposed to disobedience and opposition, willfully contrary; not easily managed.
Proverbs 15:1-2, 4, 7, 18, 23, 26, 28
A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger.
The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness.
A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit.
The lips of the wise disperse knowledge: but the heart of the foolish doeth not so.
A wrathful man stirreth up strife: but he that is slow to anger appeaseth strife.
A man hath joy by the answer of his mouth: and a word spoken in due season, how good is it!
The thoughts of the wicked are an abomination to the Lord: but the words of the pure are pleasant words.
The heart of the righteous studieth to answer: but the mouth of the wicked poureth out evil things.
Proverbs 18:21
Death and life are in the power of the tongue: and they that love it shall eat the fruit thereof.
Proverbs 21:23
Whoso keepeth his mouth and his tongue keepeth his soul from troubles.
Matthew 15:11, 17-18
Not that which goeth into the mouth defileth a man; but that which cometh out of the mouth, this defileth a man.
Do not ye yet understand, that whatsoever entereth in at the mouth goeth into the belly, and is cast out into the draught?
But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.
Luke 6:45
A good man out of the good treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is good; and an evil man out of the evil treasure of his heart bringeth forth that which is evil: for of the abundance of the heart his mouth speaketh.
Ephesians 4:29-32
Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers.
And grieve not the holy Spirit of God, whereby ye are sealed unto the day of redemption.
Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you.
Colossians 4:6
Let your speech be alway with grace, seasoned with salt, that ye may know how ye ought to answer every man.
James 1:19-20, 26
Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:
For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man’s religion is vain.
James 3:2-13
For in many things we offend all. If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man, and able also to bridle the whole body.
Behold, we put bits in the horses’ mouths, that they may obey us; and we turn about their whole body.
Behold also the ships, which though they be so great, and are driven of fierce winds, yet are they turned about with a very small helm, whithersoever the governor listeth.
Even so the tongue is a little member, and boasteth great things. Behold, how great a matter a little fire kindleth!
And the tongue is a fire, a world of iniquity: so is the tongue among our members, that it defileth the whole body, and setteth on fire the course of nature; and it is set on fire of hell.
For every kind of beasts, and of birds, and of serpents, and of things in the sea, is tamed, and hath been tamed of mankind:
But the tongue can no man tame; it is an unruly evil, full of deadly poison.
Therewith bless we God, even the Father; and therewith curse we men, which are made after the similitude of God.
Out of the same mouth proceedeth blessing and cursing. My brethren, these things ought not so to be.
Doth a fountain send forth at the same place sweet water and bitter?
Can the fig tree, my brethren, bear olive berries? either a vine, figs? so can no fountain both yield salt water and fresh.
Who is a wise man and endued with knowledge among you? let him shew out of a good conversation his works with meekness of wisdom.
1 Peter 3:10
For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile:
Let him eschew evil, and do good; let him seek peace, and ensue it.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Perfect Practice
I think it was my 8th grade math teacher that taught me, "Practice doesn't make perfect. Perfect practice makes perfect." I understood the principle and could see it's helpful application in the pages of homework for the class. However, it became life changing when I decided to use the principle in overcoming my angry responses, which were so habitual they were second nature to me.
Practically every frustration, request, or interruption became a cause for a caustic or terse response from me. Over and over again, I would tell myself to be kind, gentle, and patient. Then, when an occasion arose to act on my new commitment, before I had time to even think about my goals, something sarcastic would escape my lips.
I studied and memorized scriptures, saying such things as, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers," and "For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile."
The problem was I never had a chance to practice perfectly what I believed. I just kept practicing poorly over and over again. Finally, I recalled something I had done with my kids years before. When they needed to correct their responses to one another, I had them say it over again, right then, but using a better choice of words, tone of voice, or both. So that's what I did. I'd say, "Wait, let me try that over again." At first the kids thought I was wanting them to change something, but I made it clear this was for me, and they were patient and obliging, and after a while, even grateful.
Sometimes it was just a matter of engaging my brain before my mouth. Sometimes it was a function of getting control of my volume. Other times I really had to think a little to be able to verbalize my concerns in an appropriate and truthful way. But it worked! My bad habits were slowly being replaced by better habits. It was a case of perfect practice making perfect. So when you catch yourself a few seconds too late, you can still change it, but don't wait until next time. Just say, right then and there, "Wait, let me try that again." Then give it some perfect practice.
Practically every frustration, request, or interruption became a cause for a caustic or terse response from me. Over and over again, I would tell myself to be kind, gentle, and patient. Then, when an occasion arose to act on my new commitment, before I had time to even think about my goals, something sarcastic would escape my lips.
I studied and memorized scriptures, saying such things as, "Let no corrupt communication proceed out of your mouth, but that which is good to the use of edifying, that it may minister grace unto the hearers," and "For he that will love life, and see good days, let him refrain his tongue from evil, and his lips that they speak no guile."
The problem was I never had a chance to practice perfectly what I believed. I just kept practicing poorly over and over again. Finally, I recalled something I had done with my kids years before. When they needed to correct their responses to one another, I had them say it over again, right then, but using a better choice of words, tone of voice, or both. So that's what I did. I'd say, "Wait, let me try that over again." At first the kids thought I was wanting them to change something, but I made it clear this was for me, and they were patient and obliging, and after a while, even grateful.
Sometimes it was just a matter of engaging my brain before my mouth. Sometimes it was a function of getting control of my volume. Other times I really had to think a little to be able to verbalize my concerns in an appropriate and truthful way. But it worked! My bad habits were slowly being replaced by better habits. It was a case of perfect practice making perfect. So when you catch yourself a few seconds too late, you can still change it, but don't wait until next time. Just say, right then and there, "Wait, let me try that again." Then give it some perfect practice.
Dysfunctional
This is a poem I wrote some time ago, during a particularly hard time in my extended family, when I was grieving the tragic affect of unkind words between the adults on the children in our families.
Like flying glass
we crash against each other,
shattering,
‘til, jagged shards,
we fall
on the children below.
Like flying glass
we crash against each other,
shattering,
‘til, jagged shards,
we fall
on the children below.
Put People Up
I've noticed in my family that we sometimes fall into the societal trap of joking with our friends by putting each other down. In a trick of words I said to one of my teens a few days ago, "Don't put people down, put people up." When I said it I thought how true it is. By our words we have the power to put people up, to elevate them.
Not long ago our high school had a school assembly called "Rachel's Challenge." Rachel was the first victim at the Columbine school shooting. Before she died Rachel wrote about wanting to create a chain reaction of kindness. Now her family is taking that dream as a challenge to youth throughout the nation and beyond. The day Rachel's Challenge came to our area was beautiful. Teens all through town were going up to people and telling them they loved them. They don't realize the impact it's had on the adults. Their words elevated me.
I've talked about the power of words to tear down, now I want to see the power of words to build up. So that's my new mantra. PUT PEOPLE UP.
Not long ago our high school had a school assembly called "Rachel's Challenge." Rachel was the first victim at the Columbine school shooting. Before she died Rachel wrote about wanting to create a chain reaction of kindness. Now her family is taking that dream as a challenge to youth throughout the nation and beyond. The day Rachel's Challenge came to our area was beautiful. Teens all through town were going up to people and telling them they loved them. They don't realize the impact it's had on the adults. Their words elevated me.
I've talked about the power of words to tear down, now I want to see the power of words to build up. So that's my new mantra. PUT PEOPLE UP.
Is Raging Only Part of the Problem?
Here is an excerpt from a magazine article I found on emotional abuse. Since raging can be part of emotional abuse, I decided to share it.
The Invisible Heartbreaker
By Judy C. Olsen
Couple number one: “You know,” said David to his wife when she asked about their car’s crumpled fender, “your problem is you like to make a big deal out of nothing.”
Couple number two: “Why did you plan our date for Saturday?” asked Caroline. “That was a stupid thing to do. You know our date night is Friday.”
What do these couples have in common? One of the spouses in each situation is engaging in a form of abuse. Even though no yelling or physical violence occurred, these verbal jabs are typical of a widespread web of behaviors known as emotional abuse. Such behavior may well be the most common but least recognized of all forms of abuse because it has a certain acceptance within our society. In this seemingly invisible category of abusive behavior, men and women are about equally at fault, and the effects of such abuse on family members can be just as severe as other, more openly acknowledged kinds of abuse. Many hearts have been broken and lives severely damaged from living with the effects of ongoing emotional abuse. And if left uncorrected, it may also become the basis for other types of abusive behavior within a home and marriage.
To help people better understand how these subtle and invisible forces may be affecting their homes and marriages, the following discussion will (1) explain behaviors that are considered to be emotionally abusive, (2) provide a yardstick by which couples can gauge the seriousness of the problem in their own lives, and (3) offer Christ-centered solutions that couples or individuals may begin to implement immediately and that will lead to healthier, happier marriage partnerships.
Defining Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse of a spouse includes the following broad categories of problem behavior:
Name Calling. Words such as idiot or jerk, sarcastic or exaggerated use of terms of endearment, unflattering nicknames, and insulting labels constitute name-calling. A husband should always speak to his wife lovingly and kindly, treating her with the utmost respect, for marriage is like a tender flower … and must be nourished constantly with expressions of love and affection. Wives, too, must do the same to their husbands. Sarcastic comments, the staple of TV sitcoms, are also considered to be verbally abusive.
Demeaning Statements. Ways that both men and women might engage in demeaning behavior toward their spouses include the following:
• Trivialization. To intentionally overlook the substantial effort put into a project, whether it’s preparing a dinner for company or repairing the family car, is a way of trivializing the time, effort, and talent needed to accomplish what could very well be a necessary and selfless act of service. Demeaning a spouse in this way can be done even in an apparently thoughtful tone of voice. For example, after a husband had spent considerable time doing tax returns, his wife commented, “Taxes are really not as complicated as most people make them out to be. I’m surprised it took you so long.”
• Put-down humor. A partner with a quick wit can come up with many ways to embarrass and humiliate his or her spouse, who may then be accused, in an effort to deflect responsibility for any insult taken, of not having a sense of humor. “Jack’s on a diet,” said his wife. “His third this week.”
• Faultfinding. Criticism chips away at a person’s sense of worth. It is not done out of a genuine regard to help someone be a better person, as some claim. “You know, honey, if you’d learn to chop the vegetables a little finer, you could probably make a decent salad.”
Intimidation. A partner may use threats to intimidate the spouse in order to get his or her own way: “The day you hang that painting in the bedroom is the day I move out of it!” Venting anger in harsh words, shouting, stomping around the house, and throwing or breaking things are abusive. Less-noisy forms of signaling discontent, ill will, or censure—from snapping at others to displaying angry looks and other signs of belligerence—can also be intimidating and thus constitute abuse.
Isolation. Some partners seek to limit their spouse’s interaction either with them or with the outside world. Subtle manifestations of this include—
• Withholding: The partner fails to give needed information to the spouse, refuses to participate in mutual problem solving, holds back on displays of affection, or may be unwilling to spend time or converse with the spouse.
• Preventing closeness: Some partners seek to distance their spouses by perpetuating feelings of ill will or estrangement. If time spent together fosters the beginning of shared closeness, the partner may say or do something hurtful to create distance again.
One family took the children for a cookout. The day was delightful, and everyone had a good time. Finally it was time to go, and they began the short drive home. “Let’s stop for ice cream cones,” suggested the mother. Suddenly the father began shouting that he didn’t have time to waste like “some people he knew.” The outing had cost him enough already, he fumed, and he still had important things to do. Stunned, the family sat in fear and silence all the way home. The wife felt her feelings of shared fun evaporate into cold loneliness. She realized this had happened before.
Closeness is also prevented if one spouse refuses to participate in the sharing of emotions of pain or joy, whether it’s to offer comfort at the loss of a pet or to celebrate receiving a raise.
• Setting inappropriate rules: Isolating and controlling a spouse can take the form of creating an often unspoken set of rules for him or her. The rules may be subtle, like setting time limits on telephone calls, disallowing certain people at the house, and limiting or forbidding the spouse to have money or to go places alone. Not-so-subtle rules may include things such as no phone calls, no visitors, or no activities outside the home. The partner tries to justify the rules, saying they make good sense, but the victimized spouse falls into an increasingly cold and lonely world.
Manipulation. Some methods used to manipulate others include acting pitiable, creating guilty feelings in others, or blaming others for problems.
One woman writes, “[My husband] does not come to family home evening because we do not meet his expectations and he claims the kids won’t sit still and listen.” This husband has neatly blamed his children for his own lack of involvement with them.
Another manipulative tactic is to disagree with or counter, for purely selfish reasons, the spouse’s decisions. The offending partner seeks to implement his own ideas not because they are better, but because they allow him to continue to feel in control or smarter than his spouse. Such controlling behaviors are often couched as concern, such as the wife who critically examined her husband’s apparel each time they left the house, suggested he wear a different tie or shirt for the occasion, then waited impatiently while he changed—even though by reasonable standards his choice of dress was appropriate.
Gauging the Seriousness of the Problem
If what you’ve read makes you feel uncomfortable, you may wish to simply ask your spouse to read this article and ask if he or she believes there is a problem in your marriage regarding these kinds of behaviors. The degree of pain or unhappiness experienced by the spouse, as well as your own feelings of unease, determines the severity of the problem. If the kind of emotional interaction in the marriage is satisfactory to both partners, and if love and joy are experienced by both, there is little cause for concern since occasional pardonable mistakes do not qualify as serious emotional abuse. However, if one person believes there is a problem, even if the partner disagrees, there is a problem. Those who abuse are often satisfied with the way things are and are insensitive and not motivated to make needed changes.
The following discussion points out the stages that victims of abuse may go through as they try to cope with what is happening to them. This information will help couples determine the extent of a problem.
As isolated incidents begin to form a pattern, tension builds up from accumulated hurts that have not been fully resolved. Feelings of fear, wariness, nervousness, or anxiety may be present. In time, the hurting spouse may actually become accustomed to being treated badly and fail to realize that inappropriate behavior is occurring. Such persons may assume they are “too sensitive” or in some way deserve what they get. Nevertheless, in an effort to lessen the pain and establish a better relationship, they may increase efforts to be kind, pay compliments, or perform more acts of service in order to please their partners and “earn” a compliment or kindness in return. Such gestures are often taken for granted or ignored by the abusive partners, leaving the spouses to wonder if they will ever measure up or be “good enough” to be loved, no matter how much effort is put forth.
Next, a spouse may attempt to get help or understanding from the partner about the growing chasm between them, but is either ignored or told that he or she is imagining things. Such denial creates confusion in the abused spouse, and feelings of loneliness, frustration, despair, or even self-doubt may emerge.
At this point some people seek help from friends or religious leaders. However, because emotional abuse usually takes place in private, where there are no witnesses, it is often difficult to find anyone willing to believe that the problem is serious. In fact, the abusive partner can be well liked and considered charming by other people. Says one woman, “People often tell me how lucky I am to be married to such a nice guy. I am confused by this. It is very painful for me to be with him.”
This lack of a sympathetic witness to the pain often leads to efforts to cope alone. This may result in a number of behaviors attributed to other causes:
• Fighting back. Some people fight back by employing the same abusive tactics as their partners. There is much heated argument and recrimination in such homes.
• Suffering in silence. Other people respond by stifling their feelings. To keep peace in the home, they see no alternative except to go numb and brave it out. Often they have trouble either laughing or crying, for feelings may have closed down.
• Diverting feelings. Still others retreat into depression or ill health. Discouragement from trying to make one’s voice heard and trying to receive justice, coupled with a determination to honor marriage vows, may contribute to the belief that the situation is hopeless, that one must endure a dysfunctional marriage. The pain may turn into depression or a variety of other problems, sometimes lasting for years, because the underlying cause is not correctly diagnosed. In serious cases, thoughts of suicide may even result.
Once a pattern of emotional abuse has developed, there is a risk that in some cases such hurtful behavior will escalate into physical abuse. The transition often begins with seemingly playful or accidental invasions of the spouse’s personal space: standing too close; stepping on toes; not-so-gently shoving, hitting, or slapping for “fun”; and teasing that does not stop when a spouse asks for it to stop. If this, too, is tolerated, further serious physical abuse may follow. Men and women continually experiencing these supposedly playful invasions of personal space need to take a firm stand with their partner and seek help now. A spouse who does not tolerate such treatment will often stop a partner from moving any further down the road toward physical abuse. There is no guarantee that things will get better by waiting, praying for the partner to change, or assuming the partner means it when he or she promises it won’t happen again … and it happens again. Both partner and spouse may need help.
A Christ-Centered Solution
The Lord Jesus Christ has shown us how to live in peace and happiness with one another. “Come unto me” is his invitation, “all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; … and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matt. 11:28–29). He has set us an example that, when followed in marriage, will open the door to a more peaceful relationship.
While effective change most rapidly takes place when two people work together to solve the problem, a spouse need not wait to begin to make changes that can set the course of a marriage aright. Whether a couple works together on the problem or one spouse goes it alone, there are steps that can be taken immediately.
Seeking Change as a Couple
The following steps can help a couple begin the process of change:
1. Meet together. Set a time to discuss the problem where you won’t be disturbed. Begin with prayer to invite the Lord to guide each of you in what you say and to help you find solutions. Pray to have an open mind and heart.
2. Evaluate the problem. It may be helpful to begin the discussion with a review of this article. Couples may find initially that they have a hard time pinpointing exactly how and when hurtful behaviors happen. However, once such a discussion has been held, awareness increases and damaging patterns become more visible.
3. Decide to do something different. Once problems have been identified, a couple can work together to help each other replace old habits and patterns of behavior with new ones. One way to do this is to agree on a signal, either verbal or nonverbal, that alerts the partner to an unfolding problem. This takes courage on the part of the offended spouse and patience on the part of the abusive partner. Each will probably need to pray together and separately for the Spirit of truth and understanding.
4. Review often. Initially, couples will probably need to meet together often to discuss the process and refine their methods for dealing with negative behaviors. For many, the process is one of unfolding both the severity of the problem as well as the sweetness of the solution.
Seeking Change as an Individual
If the abusive partner is not ready to discuss the problem, there are things that the other spouse can do to start the process of change.
1. Seek to know the truth. “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31–32). Here the Savior, speaking to those who love him and continue in faithfulness to him, promises them the great gift of knowing the truth.
Some who have adapted to living in an abusive situation lose the ability to recognize when they are being treated with disrespect. Most, however, know something is wrong but don’t know what to do about it. Sooner or later both parties must come to know the truth and risk the consequences of facing the abuse, putting their full trust in the Savior.
Explains one man: “I was so used to hearing endless complaining and faultfinding that I lost any sense of perspective. After learning about emotional abuse, I still did not see it happening to me until I made prayer part of the solution. Initially, I was shaken by the truth. But in time I understood that I had to admit to the truth of what was happening in our home in order to free myself from the pain and finally begin working on the real problem that has plagued our relationship.”
2. Pray for courage. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7). Often, whether or not the abused spouse realizes the full extent of the fear and anxiety that have marked a life of abuse, it is very hard for him or her to imagine ever confronting the partner with the plain facts. However, once it becomes understood that emotional abuse is a problem in the marriage, the abused spouse shares responsibility for helping to bring the truth to light.
This stage may be the hardest to accomplish. Fear paralyzes people, but the gospel brings peace, and with the help of the Spirit, fear may be conquered.
“As I prayed for help, I began putting labels on hurtful behavior after it had happened. I finally realized I needed to recognize when I was being abused as it occurred and find the courage to quietly stand up for myself. This was a very difficult step for me. I asked God to help me, and I was literally shaking with fear the first time I finally spoke up, even though my husband has never hit me. But I did speak up, and my husband just gaped at me in surprise.”
3. Change your behavior. “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls” (Prov. 25:28). Those experiencing abuse often feel they are unsafe and without boundaries, in the sense that people use them, ignore their needs, or treat them disrespectfully. By changing their formerly unproductive ways of responding, and by substituting new ways, they begin a process of change that can establish firmer limits to what will and will not be tolerated. And when one person in a marriage makes a personal change, change is introduced into the relationship.
Said one husband, “It took all my self-control to stop yelling back, walking away, or speaking sarcastically to my wife. I learned I had to stay absolutely calm and in control of myself before I could bring the truth to light.”
4. Clearly label the offending behavior. “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Prov. 15:1). When a spouse undergoes emotional abuse, he or she should stand quietly and in a calm and conversational voice clearly label the behavior. For example: “You are shouting.” Or, “When you criticize me, I feel hurt because I expected a compliment.” Or, “I do not feel like cooperating with you when you are sarcastic. Please speak to me kindly.”
The success of this approach depends on the degree of courage and self-control present in the spouse. Kind but firm language delivered in a completely mild conversational tone of voice is most effective.
5. Be still until the abuse stops. There is great power in standing your ground calmly and allowing truth to win the day.
One woman tells of her husband storming up the stairs, clearly angry over lost keys and shouting at her, blaming her for not putting them where they belonged. For the first time in her life, she ignored the issue causing the outburst and looked him squarely in the eyes and said quietly, “John, you’re shouting at me.” He stopped, momentarily stunned, then turned and went back down the stairs.
“I was surprised to see that it worked,” she said. “Ordinarily, I would have frantically searched for the keys in order to make him stop yelling at me. But for once I stood there calmly, waiting for him to speak to me kindly. Things have improved significantly—faster than I would ever have thought. He’s been yelling at me for years. I didn’t think he would ever change. I didn’t know I had a part in bringing about that change.”
These five steps may begin a process of change that can significantly improve marriage relationships. When one or both spouses pursue solutions with prayer, courage, commitment, and calmness, emotional abuse decreases significantly. As the offended spouses begin to change their responses to abusive behavior, the offending partners may finally rethink their refusals to discuss the issue of emotional abuse. If kindness and love govern the discovery stage, in time there is hope for a stronger and healthier marriage as both partners begin working together to resolve difficult issues amicably.
Bringing into the open emotional abuse that has been hidden or tolerated allows couples to unmask the invisible heartbreaker in their marriage and to recover the fruits of peace, joy, and love.
The Invisible Heartbreaker
By Judy C. Olsen
Couple number one: “You know,” said David to his wife when she asked about their car’s crumpled fender, “your problem is you like to make a big deal out of nothing.”
Couple number two: “Why did you plan our date for Saturday?” asked Caroline. “That was a stupid thing to do. You know our date night is Friday.”
What do these couples have in common? One of the spouses in each situation is engaging in a form of abuse. Even though no yelling or physical violence occurred, these verbal jabs are typical of a widespread web of behaviors known as emotional abuse. Such behavior may well be the most common but least recognized of all forms of abuse because it has a certain acceptance within our society. In this seemingly invisible category of abusive behavior, men and women are about equally at fault, and the effects of such abuse on family members can be just as severe as other, more openly acknowledged kinds of abuse. Many hearts have been broken and lives severely damaged from living with the effects of ongoing emotional abuse. And if left uncorrected, it may also become the basis for other types of abusive behavior within a home and marriage.
To help people better understand how these subtle and invisible forces may be affecting their homes and marriages, the following discussion will (1) explain behaviors that are considered to be emotionally abusive, (2) provide a yardstick by which couples can gauge the seriousness of the problem in their own lives, and (3) offer Christ-centered solutions that couples or individuals may begin to implement immediately and that will lead to healthier, happier marriage partnerships.
Defining Emotional Abuse
Emotional abuse of a spouse includes the following broad categories of problem behavior:
Name Calling. Words such as idiot or jerk, sarcastic or exaggerated use of terms of endearment, unflattering nicknames, and insulting labels constitute name-calling. A husband should always speak to his wife lovingly and kindly, treating her with the utmost respect, for marriage is like a tender flower … and must be nourished constantly with expressions of love and affection. Wives, too, must do the same to their husbands. Sarcastic comments, the staple of TV sitcoms, are also considered to be verbally abusive.
Demeaning Statements. Ways that both men and women might engage in demeaning behavior toward their spouses include the following:
• Trivialization. To intentionally overlook the substantial effort put into a project, whether it’s preparing a dinner for company or repairing the family car, is a way of trivializing the time, effort, and talent needed to accomplish what could very well be a necessary and selfless act of service. Demeaning a spouse in this way can be done even in an apparently thoughtful tone of voice. For example, after a husband had spent considerable time doing tax returns, his wife commented, “Taxes are really not as complicated as most people make them out to be. I’m surprised it took you so long.”
• Put-down humor. A partner with a quick wit can come up with many ways to embarrass and humiliate his or her spouse, who may then be accused, in an effort to deflect responsibility for any insult taken, of not having a sense of humor. “Jack’s on a diet,” said his wife. “His third this week.”
• Faultfinding. Criticism chips away at a person’s sense of worth. It is not done out of a genuine regard to help someone be a better person, as some claim. “You know, honey, if you’d learn to chop the vegetables a little finer, you could probably make a decent salad.”
Intimidation. A partner may use threats to intimidate the spouse in order to get his or her own way: “The day you hang that painting in the bedroom is the day I move out of it!” Venting anger in harsh words, shouting, stomping around the house, and throwing or breaking things are abusive. Less-noisy forms of signaling discontent, ill will, or censure—from snapping at others to displaying angry looks and other signs of belligerence—can also be intimidating and thus constitute abuse.
Isolation. Some partners seek to limit their spouse’s interaction either with them or with the outside world. Subtle manifestations of this include—
• Withholding: The partner fails to give needed information to the spouse, refuses to participate in mutual problem solving, holds back on displays of affection, or may be unwilling to spend time or converse with the spouse.
• Preventing closeness: Some partners seek to distance their spouses by perpetuating feelings of ill will or estrangement. If time spent together fosters the beginning of shared closeness, the partner may say or do something hurtful to create distance again.
One family took the children for a cookout. The day was delightful, and everyone had a good time. Finally it was time to go, and they began the short drive home. “Let’s stop for ice cream cones,” suggested the mother. Suddenly the father began shouting that he didn’t have time to waste like “some people he knew.” The outing had cost him enough already, he fumed, and he still had important things to do. Stunned, the family sat in fear and silence all the way home. The wife felt her feelings of shared fun evaporate into cold loneliness. She realized this had happened before.
Closeness is also prevented if one spouse refuses to participate in the sharing of emotions of pain or joy, whether it’s to offer comfort at the loss of a pet or to celebrate receiving a raise.
• Setting inappropriate rules: Isolating and controlling a spouse can take the form of creating an often unspoken set of rules for him or her. The rules may be subtle, like setting time limits on telephone calls, disallowing certain people at the house, and limiting or forbidding the spouse to have money or to go places alone. Not-so-subtle rules may include things such as no phone calls, no visitors, or no activities outside the home. The partner tries to justify the rules, saying they make good sense, but the victimized spouse falls into an increasingly cold and lonely world.
Manipulation. Some methods used to manipulate others include acting pitiable, creating guilty feelings in others, or blaming others for problems.
One woman writes, “[My husband] does not come to family home evening because we do not meet his expectations and he claims the kids won’t sit still and listen.” This husband has neatly blamed his children for his own lack of involvement with them.
Another manipulative tactic is to disagree with or counter, for purely selfish reasons, the spouse’s decisions. The offending partner seeks to implement his own ideas not because they are better, but because they allow him to continue to feel in control or smarter than his spouse. Such controlling behaviors are often couched as concern, such as the wife who critically examined her husband’s apparel each time they left the house, suggested he wear a different tie or shirt for the occasion, then waited impatiently while he changed—even though by reasonable standards his choice of dress was appropriate.
Gauging the Seriousness of the Problem
If what you’ve read makes you feel uncomfortable, you may wish to simply ask your spouse to read this article and ask if he or she believes there is a problem in your marriage regarding these kinds of behaviors. The degree of pain or unhappiness experienced by the spouse, as well as your own feelings of unease, determines the severity of the problem. If the kind of emotional interaction in the marriage is satisfactory to both partners, and if love and joy are experienced by both, there is little cause for concern since occasional pardonable mistakes do not qualify as serious emotional abuse. However, if one person believes there is a problem, even if the partner disagrees, there is a problem. Those who abuse are often satisfied with the way things are and are insensitive and not motivated to make needed changes.
The following discussion points out the stages that victims of abuse may go through as they try to cope with what is happening to them. This information will help couples determine the extent of a problem.
As isolated incidents begin to form a pattern, tension builds up from accumulated hurts that have not been fully resolved. Feelings of fear, wariness, nervousness, or anxiety may be present. In time, the hurting spouse may actually become accustomed to being treated badly and fail to realize that inappropriate behavior is occurring. Such persons may assume they are “too sensitive” or in some way deserve what they get. Nevertheless, in an effort to lessen the pain and establish a better relationship, they may increase efforts to be kind, pay compliments, or perform more acts of service in order to please their partners and “earn” a compliment or kindness in return. Such gestures are often taken for granted or ignored by the abusive partners, leaving the spouses to wonder if they will ever measure up or be “good enough” to be loved, no matter how much effort is put forth.
Next, a spouse may attempt to get help or understanding from the partner about the growing chasm between them, but is either ignored or told that he or she is imagining things. Such denial creates confusion in the abused spouse, and feelings of loneliness, frustration, despair, or even self-doubt may emerge.
At this point some people seek help from friends or religious leaders. However, because emotional abuse usually takes place in private, where there are no witnesses, it is often difficult to find anyone willing to believe that the problem is serious. In fact, the abusive partner can be well liked and considered charming by other people. Says one woman, “People often tell me how lucky I am to be married to such a nice guy. I am confused by this. It is very painful for me to be with him.”
This lack of a sympathetic witness to the pain often leads to efforts to cope alone. This may result in a number of behaviors attributed to other causes:
• Fighting back. Some people fight back by employing the same abusive tactics as their partners. There is much heated argument and recrimination in such homes.
• Suffering in silence. Other people respond by stifling their feelings. To keep peace in the home, they see no alternative except to go numb and brave it out. Often they have trouble either laughing or crying, for feelings may have closed down.
• Diverting feelings. Still others retreat into depression or ill health. Discouragement from trying to make one’s voice heard and trying to receive justice, coupled with a determination to honor marriage vows, may contribute to the belief that the situation is hopeless, that one must endure a dysfunctional marriage. The pain may turn into depression or a variety of other problems, sometimes lasting for years, because the underlying cause is not correctly diagnosed. In serious cases, thoughts of suicide may even result.
Once a pattern of emotional abuse has developed, there is a risk that in some cases such hurtful behavior will escalate into physical abuse. The transition often begins with seemingly playful or accidental invasions of the spouse’s personal space: standing too close; stepping on toes; not-so-gently shoving, hitting, or slapping for “fun”; and teasing that does not stop when a spouse asks for it to stop. If this, too, is tolerated, further serious physical abuse may follow. Men and women continually experiencing these supposedly playful invasions of personal space need to take a firm stand with their partner and seek help now. A spouse who does not tolerate such treatment will often stop a partner from moving any further down the road toward physical abuse. There is no guarantee that things will get better by waiting, praying for the partner to change, or assuming the partner means it when he or she promises it won’t happen again … and it happens again. Both partner and spouse may need help.
A Christ-Centered Solution
The Lord Jesus Christ has shown us how to live in peace and happiness with one another. “Come unto me” is his invitation, “all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; … and ye shall find rest unto your souls” (Matt. 11:28–29). He has set us an example that, when followed in marriage, will open the door to a more peaceful relationship.
While effective change most rapidly takes place when two people work together to solve the problem, a spouse need not wait to begin to make changes that can set the course of a marriage aright. Whether a couple works together on the problem or one spouse goes it alone, there are steps that can be taken immediately.
Seeking Change as a Couple
The following steps can help a couple begin the process of change:
1. Meet together. Set a time to discuss the problem where you won’t be disturbed. Begin with prayer to invite the Lord to guide each of you in what you say and to help you find solutions. Pray to have an open mind and heart.
2. Evaluate the problem. It may be helpful to begin the discussion with a review of this article. Couples may find initially that they have a hard time pinpointing exactly how and when hurtful behaviors happen. However, once such a discussion has been held, awareness increases and damaging patterns become more visible.
3. Decide to do something different. Once problems have been identified, a couple can work together to help each other replace old habits and patterns of behavior with new ones. One way to do this is to agree on a signal, either verbal or nonverbal, that alerts the partner to an unfolding problem. This takes courage on the part of the offended spouse and patience on the part of the abusive partner. Each will probably need to pray together and separately for the Spirit of truth and understanding.
4. Review often. Initially, couples will probably need to meet together often to discuss the process and refine their methods for dealing with negative behaviors. For many, the process is one of unfolding both the severity of the problem as well as the sweetness of the solution.
Seeking Change as an Individual
If the abusive partner is not ready to discuss the problem, there are things that the other spouse can do to start the process of change.
1. Seek to know the truth. “If ye continue in my word, then are ye my disciples indeed; and ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free” (John 8:31–32). Here the Savior, speaking to those who love him and continue in faithfulness to him, promises them the great gift of knowing the truth.
Some who have adapted to living in an abusive situation lose the ability to recognize when they are being treated with disrespect. Most, however, know something is wrong but don’t know what to do about it. Sooner or later both parties must come to know the truth and risk the consequences of facing the abuse, putting their full trust in the Savior.
Explains one man: “I was so used to hearing endless complaining and faultfinding that I lost any sense of perspective. After learning about emotional abuse, I still did not see it happening to me until I made prayer part of the solution. Initially, I was shaken by the truth. But in time I understood that I had to admit to the truth of what was happening in our home in order to free myself from the pain and finally begin working on the real problem that has plagued our relationship.”
2. Pray for courage. “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind” (2 Tim. 1:7). Often, whether or not the abused spouse realizes the full extent of the fear and anxiety that have marked a life of abuse, it is very hard for him or her to imagine ever confronting the partner with the plain facts. However, once it becomes understood that emotional abuse is a problem in the marriage, the abused spouse shares responsibility for helping to bring the truth to light.
This stage may be the hardest to accomplish. Fear paralyzes people, but the gospel brings peace, and with the help of the Spirit, fear may be conquered.
“As I prayed for help, I began putting labels on hurtful behavior after it had happened. I finally realized I needed to recognize when I was being abused as it occurred and find the courage to quietly stand up for myself. This was a very difficult step for me. I asked God to help me, and I was literally shaking with fear the first time I finally spoke up, even though my husband has never hit me. But I did speak up, and my husband just gaped at me in surprise.”
3. Change your behavior. “He that hath no rule over his own spirit is like a city that is broken down, and without walls” (Prov. 25:28). Those experiencing abuse often feel they are unsafe and without boundaries, in the sense that people use them, ignore their needs, or treat them disrespectfully. By changing their formerly unproductive ways of responding, and by substituting new ways, they begin a process of change that can establish firmer limits to what will and will not be tolerated. And when one person in a marriage makes a personal change, change is introduced into the relationship.
Said one husband, “It took all my self-control to stop yelling back, walking away, or speaking sarcastically to my wife. I learned I had to stay absolutely calm and in control of myself before I could bring the truth to light.”
4. Clearly label the offending behavior. “A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger” (Prov. 15:1). When a spouse undergoes emotional abuse, he or she should stand quietly and in a calm and conversational voice clearly label the behavior. For example: “You are shouting.” Or, “When you criticize me, I feel hurt because I expected a compliment.” Or, “I do not feel like cooperating with you when you are sarcastic. Please speak to me kindly.”
The success of this approach depends on the degree of courage and self-control present in the spouse. Kind but firm language delivered in a completely mild conversational tone of voice is most effective.
5. Be still until the abuse stops. There is great power in standing your ground calmly and allowing truth to win the day.
One woman tells of her husband storming up the stairs, clearly angry over lost keys and shouting at her, blaming her for not putting them where they belonged. For the first time in her life, she ignored the issue causing the outburst and looked him squarely in the eyes and said quietly, “John, you’re shouting at me.” He stopped, momentarily stunned, then turned and went back down the stairs.
“I was surprised to see that it worked,” she said. “Ordinarily, I would have frantically searched for the keys in order to make him stop yelling at me. But for once I stood there calmly, waiting for him to speak to me kindly. Things have improved significantly—faster than I would ever have thought. He’s been yelling at me for years. I didn’t think he would ever change. I didn’t know I had a part in bringing about that change.”
These five steps may begin a process of change that can significantly improve marriage relationships. When one or both spouses pursue solutions with prayer, courage, commitment, and calmness, emotional abuse decreases significantly. As the offended spouses begin to change their responses to abusive behavior, the offending partners may finally rethink their refusals to discuss the issue of emotional abuse. If kindness and love govern the discovery stage, in time there is hope for a stronger and healthier marriage as both partners begin working together to resolve difficult issues amicably.
Bringing into the open emotional abuse that has been hidden or tolerated allows couples to unmask the invisible heartbreaker in their marriage and to recover the fruits of peace, joy, and love.
Hoisting the Skull and Crossbones
My older kids remember a 5x7 framed picture of a swan swimming in a pond. The shiny surface made it a little tricky to see at first glance. I don't know why I bought it at the garage sale, but I'm sure the shiny surface was why I chose it for my red flag. That was back in the days when I figured it was everybody else's job to keep me from getting angry. I'm getting ahead of myself here. I'll explain:
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't fair for the kids to walk in the door from school, or my husband to walk in from work, with no clue what my mood would be. In mercy, I would hoist my "pirate flag" as a warning. I told my family that when I was in a terrible mood I would turn the picture of the swan upside down. No one else would ever notice, but they could check and know: now is NOT the time to ask Mom if I can go to the party.
Crazy as it sounds, it helped! They had a chance to steer clear of the storm, but more, I started noticing patterns. My flag started going up every time I cooked dinner. Not because I hate cooking, but because usually when I made dinner I was in a hurry. I learned I have a hair trigger when I'm in a hurry. Solution 1: Take preventative measures to avoid being in a hurry. Prepare clothing, food, and other stuff I need in advance. Solution 2: When I find myself hurrying, talk myself down. What's the worst thing that can happen if I'm late? Do I really want to sacrifice this relationship for that? Occasionally I had to get comfortable with being late. I learned to set things in their proper priority.
Another time my swan swam upside down was when I felt criticized. I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my husband has actually said critical things to me. However I often felt hurt by his typical male tendency to remain happily oblivious to the needs of his female counterpart. And teenagers! Wow! When their thinking moves from the childhood black and white to the grays of adulthood, they question everything. I took it all personally, so I felt offended a lot. There were days when my poor swan would have drowned if it had been real.
The third alert was when I started caring too much about my opinion. If I have a soap box I have to rein in hard. Even as I write this I realize that I usually allow myself ONE statement of my belief, then I let the chips fall where they may. If I don't, I usually become sarcastic and cutting. Not okay! One statement usually doesn't convince anyone of anything, but neither do those who fight to the death over an issue. I've had to recognize that a lot of my opinions are more like prejudices. Only a few have real knowledge behind them. If I can speak intelligently, I'll speak. But, frankly, those times are few and far between.
What really ticks you off?
Is it hunger, sleep deprivation, feeling falsely accused, seeing injustice?
What can you do to avoid that situation?
What are you going to tell yourself when you face the circumstance despite your best efforts?
If you can't answer those questions, get a pirate flag. You'll warn yourself more than anyone else!
Somewhere in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't fair for the kids to walk in the door from school, or my husband to walk in from work, with no clue what my mood would be. In mercy, I would hoist my "pirate flag" as a warning. I told my family that when I was in a terrible mood I would turn the picture of the swan upside down. No one else would ever notice, but they could check and know: now is NOT the time to ask Mom if I can go to the party.
Crazy as it sounds, it helped! They had a chance to steer clear of the storm, but more, I started noticing patterns. My flag started going up every time I cooked dinner. Not because I hate cooking, but because usually when I made dinner I was in a hurry. I learned I have a hair trigger when I'm in a hurry. Solution 1: Take preventative measures to avoid being in a hurry. Prepare clothing, food, and other stuff I need in advance. Solution 2: When I find myself hurrying, talk myself down. What's the worst thing that can happen if I'm late? Do I really want to sacrifice this relationship for that? Occasionally I had to get comfortable with being late. I learned to set things in their proper priority.
Another time my swan swam upside down was when I felt criticized. I can probably count on the fingers of one hand the number of times my husband has actually said critical things to me. However I often felt hurt by his typical male tendency to remain happily oblivious to the needs of his female counterpart. And teenagers! Wow! When their thinking moves from the childhood black and white to the grays of adulthood, they question everything. I took it all personally, so I felt offended a lot. There were days when my poor swan would have drowned if it had been real.
The third alert was when I started caring too much about my opinion. If I have a soap box I have to rein in hard. Even as I write this I realize that I usually allow myself ONE statement of my belief, then I let the chips fall where they may. If I don't, I usually become sarcastic and cutting. Not okay! One statement usually doesn't convince anyone of anything, but neither do those who fight to the death over an issue. I've had to recognize that a lot of my opinions are more like prejudices. Only a few have real knowledge behind them. If I can speak intelligently, I'll speak. But, frankly, those times are few and far between.
What really ticks you off?
Is it hunger, sleep deprivation, feeling falsely accused, seeing injustice?
What can you do to avoid that situation?
What are you going to tell yourself when you face the circumstance despite your best efforts?
If you can't answer those questions, get a pirate flag. You'll warn yourself more than anyone else!
Can You Count to 10?
You know that whole notion your mom taught you about counting to 10 when you're angry? It's a great idea for some, I suppose, but it didn't work for me. I tried. I really tried! But by the time I thought of it I was well into, or even past raging. It came more as the despairing thought of "Why didn't I count to 10? It's a grade school technique. Criminy! What's wrong with me?" Repeating this useless and depressing process hundreds or thousands of times is what finally brought me to realize just how out of control I really was. It was time for Alcoholics Anonymous' steps 2 and 3.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
It wasn't a big deal for me, really. I already had a belief in God. Okay, it was pretty humiliating to go to Him and say, "I'm so out of control of myself that I can't even remember to count to 10 before I blow my top," but quite frankly, I was desperate. I was losing my family bit by bit! I asked Him just one small favor: Please warn me a few seconds earlier when I'm about to get angry, so I'll have time to do something about it while I still have some control of myself.
He did!
The next time things started heating up, I could feel the rage meter going up! Hallelujah. Time in which to act!
It wasn't as quick and easy as I would have liked, because counting to 10 just wasn't long enough for me. The first time, I counted to 10 and then threw a fit. Pretty dumb, eh? I decided I needed to count longer. The next time, I counted longer, but I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier, instead of calmer. Geeminy!
I started thinking about geography. My husband and I have taught this principle to our kids many times. It goes something like this: The best way to avoid a punch is not be there. You can't wash the dishes if you're not in the kitchen. If you're not in the same place as the cookie jar, you can't take the cookies. Geography can be crucial. A couple Biblical examples: If David had been off to war, like he should have been, he wouldn't have committed adultery with Bathsheba, and when Potiphar's wife tried to seduce Joseph, he didn't hang around to talk about it. He ran away!"
"Away" was the operative word for me. The next time God warned me, "You're getting upset," I counted to 10 just to buy time to get away from the temptation. Voila! Time out! And it worked! I could be alone to rage by myself, cry my eyes out, escape pressure, whatever. I had a new lease on life. Counting to 10 changed my life, but only with help from a greater Power than mine.
Three caveats:
1. Some of my family were relieved when I started removing myself. That hurt, but I was alone to deal with the sorrow and talk myself through it. It wasn't too hard, cuz I wouldn't want to have someone always threatening me by their very presence either. Happily, now that time has passed and they see my greater self-control, they don't feel fearful around me anymore. Only a few are still a little shy of tense topics around me, but they're learning, and I'm giving them time.
2. Some of my family couldn't bear to have me walk out, and followed me. Then I was trapped in my room, and couldn't escape. No flight meant I had to fight. Not good. I had to say at a more rational time, or as rationally as I could at the moment, "Please let me be alone." For a while I even left the house entirely, so they couldn't follow me.
3. I'm only me, and can only tell you what worked for me. Counting to 10 may not be your ticket out of your anger/shame cycle. However, whatever way you escape, you'll need help from a greater Power than you have alone. Seek it.
2. We came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
It wasn't a big deal for me, really. I already had a belief in God. Okay, it was pretty humiliating to go to Him and say, "I'm so out of control of myself that I can't even remember to count to 10 before I blow my top," but quite frankly, I was desperate. I was losing my family bit by bit! I asked Him just one small favor: Please warn me a few seconds earlier when I'm about to get angry, so I'll have time to do something about it while I still have some control of myself.
He did!
The next time things started heating up, I could feel the rage meter going up! Hallelujah. Time in which to act!
It wasn't as quick and easy as I would have liked, because counting to 10 just wasn't long enough for me. The first time, I counted to 10 and then threw a fit. Pretty dumb, eh? I decided I needed to count longer. The next time, I counted longer, but I could feel myself getting angrier and angrier, instead of calmer. Geeminy!
I started thinking about geography. My husband and I have taught this principle to our kids many times. It goes something like this: The best way to avoid a punch is not be there. You can't wash the dishes if you're not in the kitchen. If you're not in the same place as the cookie jar, you can't take the cookies. Geography can be crucial. A couple Biblical examples: If David had been off to war, like he should have been, he wouldn't have committed adultery with Bathsheba, and when Potiphar's wife tried to seduce Joseph, he didn't hang around to talk about it. He ran away!"
"Away" was the operative word for me. The next time God warned me, "You're getting upset," I counted to 10 just to buy time to get away from the temptation. Voila! Time out! And it worked! I could be alone to rage by myself, cry my eyes out, escape pressure, whatever. I had a new lease on life. Counting to 10 changed my life, but only with help from a greater Power than mine.
Three caveats:
1. Some of my family were relieved when I started removing myself. That hurt, but I was alone to deal with the sorrow and talk myself through it. It wasn't too hard, cuz I wouldn't want to have someone always threatening me by their very presence either. Happily, now that time has passed and they see my greater self-control, they don't feel fearful around me anymore. Only a few are still a little shy of tense topics around me, but they're learning, and I'm giving them time.
2. Some of my family couldn't bear to have me walk out, and followed me. Then I was trapped in my room, and couldn't escape. No flight meant I had to fight. Not good. I had to say at a more rational time, or as rationally as I could at the moment, "Please let me be alone." For a while I even left the house entirely, so they couldn't follow me.
3. I'm only me, and can only tell you what worked for me. Counting to 10 may not be your ticket out of your anger/shame cycle. However, whatever way you escape, you'll need help from a greater Power than you have alone. Seek it.
Cognitive Distortions
My daughter put me onto a book called Feeling Good by David D. Burns. The chapter on cognitive distortions particularly interested me, because I think a lot of my raging over the years has started with distorted thoughts. Here they are, quoted from the book, with my own additional tidbits. Check 'em out. Maybe you'll find yourself there somewhere. If you do, you're the winner, cuz you have one more insight into overcoming your destructive habit.
1. ALL-OR-NOTHING-THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure. Your thinking may include words like "never," "always," "total," "completely," "absolutely." The problem with this kind of thinking is that you will set yourself up for discrediting yourself because you can't meet your own expectations. What's more, you'll be frustrated because your thinking won't conform to reality, so you won't be able to fix the problems you see.
2. OVER GENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. My son once asked 16 girls out on a date before he got a yes answer. It could have been devastating to him if he had overgeneralized and told himself "No girl will ever want a date with me." But he didn't. Instead, he made a list of the girls and the reasons they offered for not going with him. As we looked at the list, it did appear that one girl may not have had a valid reason for turning him down, but the others all had legitimate time conflicts. Burns warns, "The pain of rejection is generated almost entirely from overgeneralization." This happens a lot to me after I've verbally abused someone. My family will here me say, "Everybody hates me." That thought doesn't exactly bring out my friendlier side.
3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water. You wear a pair of eyeglasses with special lenses that filter out anything positive. All that you allow to enter your conscious mind is negative. Because you are not aware of this "filtering process," you conclude that everything is negative. I have focused my mental filter on myself, causing depression, as well as on others, causing harsh criticism where, in reality, praise would have been appropriate.
4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences. Two examples from my children's lives exemplify this distortion. I remember watching my daughter, who supposed no one in her church youth group liked her. One night I watched as another young woman stood right in front of my daughter and said, "Hi." My daughter didn't reply. The girl said hi again, this time calling her by name. My daughter never responded. I was surprised and chagrined that she would reject this girl so blatantly and later talked with my daughter about it. She had no idea what I was referring to. In her consciousness, this girl hadn't said one word to her. On two other occasions a daughter was trying for a scholarship. When I tried to encourage her that she could get the scholarships, she assured me she wouldn't. These were hard scholarships, that very few people got. She did, indeed, receive the scholarships. When I congratulated her, she poo-pooed them, saying they were easy, that anyone could get them. Disqualifying the positive removes much of life's richness and makes things appear needlessly bleak.
5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. Jumping to conclusions comes in two forms:
a. Mind Reading. You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out. You may respond to these imagined negative reactions by withdrawal or counterattack. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've done this, but I can tell you I do it more with certain people than with others. Keeping this in mind, when I'm interacting with those people, I keep a weather eye out for my own storm signals, and can talk myself down before I react irrationally.
b. The Fortune Teller Error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact. In our family we call this a "dark fantasy." For instance, my husband has been working out in the back lot the entire morning of the first day of his vacation. My dark fantasy is that he'll be out there the whole vacation and I'll never get to see him. It really ticks me off that he would do that! But wait! It's still the first day of vacation, and he hasn't done that yet! So I told him, "This is my dark fantasy..." It helps us understand each other, and makes the ranting and raving unnecessary.
6. MAGNIFICATION AND MINIMILIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). I see this one a lot in my sons' baseball games. A kid strikes out and he chokes for the rest of the season cuz he's got it figured that he's a terrible ball player. The other kid who got struck out doesn't matter, cuz he's usually a really good hitter. On the other hand, if he makes a home run, it was just lucky, while if the other kid makes a home run, he's totally awesome!
7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. "I feel it, therefore it must be true." One day in April one of my sons was feeling about as miserable as he could. It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day! When he gets in that mood, it seems only time will get him out of it. But that day, everyone in the family seemed to be feeling the same way. We all went around hissing and spitting at each other. I had to take a step back and ask, "What the heck is really going on here?" The instant I asked the question I knew the answer. CABIN FEVER! As soon as I recognized we made plans to escape. Our emotions said, "There's no escape from this long, hard winter," but the reality was that it was spring! Yay!
8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. Frankly, I feel anger, frustration, and resentment even when I direct should statements toward myself. As the mother of seven, I have a lot on my plate, and I resent the notion in my mind that somehow I'm falling short when I'm running as fast as I can. How many distortions can I combine in one thought? That was several, at least.
9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of over generalization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. I don't know if this one was easy for me to overcome, or if I've just been working on it for a long time. The Bible tells us in Matthew 5:37, "But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil." When I read that I realized I needed to be very precise in my communication, particularly when I'm angry. Instead of saying, "You're such a jerk!" I need to say, "I didn't like that." Instead of threatening, "If you don't take the trash out, you'll have dishes for a week," I need to tell the truth, "If you don't take the trash out, I'll have to stop cooking dinner to take it out myself." It's a simple statement of fact that shows my real reasoning, and interestingly, it gets a much better team effort than the more colorful option.
10. PERSONALIZATION: you see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for. One of my daughters does this. If I'm having a bad day when she shows up at my house, she figures it's because she showed up. A friend did this when he became a leader of a young men's group shortly before one of the young men killed himself. He figured there must have been something he could have done to stop the tragedy, but the truth is he hardly even knew the boy! This distortion is the mother of crippling guilt. Sense the reality is that you have little to no control over the situation, you can't fix it, and you're stuck living with the guilt. I don't know about you, but living like that would make me very hard to get along with.
Burns assures, "You can learn to correct the distortions that fool you when you are upset." He adds, "Once you have learned how to perceive life more realistically you will experience an enhanced emotional life with a greater appreciation for genuine sadness--which lacks distortion--as well as joy." I believe it. I've seen it in my own life in piece parts, and I keep checking, especially early when I feel myself getting angry, before my rage meter shoots sky high: "Is this feeling based on a distorted cognition?"
1. ALL-OR-NOTHING-THINKING: You see things in black-and-white categories. If your performance falls short of perfect, you see yourself as a total failure. Your thinking may include words like "never," "always," "total," "completely," "absolutely." The problem with this kind of thinking is that you will set yourself up for discrediting yourself because you can't meet your own expectations. What's more, you'll be frustrated because your thinking won't conform to reality, so you won't be able to fix the problems you see.
2. OVER GENERALIZATION: You see a single negative event as a never-ending pattern of defeat. My son once asked 16 girls out on a date before he got a yes answer. It could have been devastating to him if he had overgeneralized and told himself "No girl will ever want a date with me." But he didn't. Instead, he made a list of the girls and the reasons they offered for not going with him. As we looked at the list, it did appear that one girl may not have had a valid reason for turning him down, but the others all had legitimate time conflicts. Burns warns, "The pain of rejection is generated almost entirely from overgeneralization." This happens a lot to me after I've verbally abused someone. My family will here me say, "Everybody hates me." That thought doesn't exactly bring out my friendlier side.
3. MENTAL FILTER: You pick out a single negative detail and dwell on it exclusively so that your vision of all reality becomes darkened, like the drop of ink that colors the entire beaker of water. You wear a pair of eyeglasses with special lenses that filter out anything positive. All that you allow to enter your conscious mind is negative. Because you are not aware of this "filtering process," you conclude that everything is negative. I have focused my mental filter on myself, causing depression, as well as on others, causing harsh criticism where, in reality, praise would have been appropriate.
4. DISQUALIFYING THE POSITIVE: You reject positive experiences by insisting they "don't count" for some reason or other. In this way you can maintain a negative belief that is contradicted by your everyday experiences. Two examples from my children's lives exemplify this distortion. I remember watching my daughter, who supposed no one in her church youth group liked her. One night I watched as another young woman stood right in front of my daughter and said, "Hi." My daughter didn't reply. The girl said hi again, this time calling her by name. My daughter never responded. I was surprised and chagrined that she would reject this girl so blatantly and later talked with my daughter about it. She had no idea what I was referring to. In her consciousness, this girl hadn't said one word to her. On two other occasions a daughter was trying for a scholarship. When I tried to encourage her that she could get the scholarships, she assured me she wouldn't. These were hard scholarships, that very few people got. She did, indeed, receive the scholarships. When I congratulated her, she poo-pooed them, saying they were easy, that anyone could get them. Disqualifying the positive removes much of life's richness and makes things appear needlessly bleak.
5. JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS: You make a negative interpretation even though there are no definite facts that convincingly support your conclusion. Jumping to conclusions comes in two forms:
a. Mind Reading. You arbitrarily conclude that someone is reacting negatively to you, and you don't bother to check this out. You may respond to these imagined negative reactions by withdrawal or counterattack. I can't even begin to tell you how many times I've done this, but I can tell you I do it more with certain people than with others. Keeping this in mind, when I'm interacting with those people, I keep a weather eye out for my own storm signals, and can talk myself down before I react irrationally.
b. The Fortune Teller Error. You anticipate that things will turn out badly, and you feel convinced that your prediction is an already-established fact. In our family we call this a "dark fantasy." For instance, my husband has been working out in the back lot the entire morning of the first day of his vacation. My dark fantasy is that he'll be out there the whole vacation and I'll never get to see him. It really ticks me off that he would do that! But wait! It's still the first day of vacation, and he hasn't done that yet! So I told him, "This is my dark fantasy..." It helps us understand each other, and makes the ranting and raving unnecessary.
6. MAGNIFICATION AND MINIMILIZATION: You exaggerate the importance of things (such as your goof-up or someone else's achievement), or you inappropriately shrink things until they appear tiny (your own desirable qualities or the other fellow's imperfections). I see this one a lot in my sons' baseball games. A kid strikes out and he chokes for the rest of the season cuz he's got it figured that he's a terrible ball player. The other kid who got struck out doesn't matter, cuz he's usually a really good hitter. On the other hand, if he makes a home run, it was just lucky, while if the other kid makes a home run, he's totally awesome!
7. EMOTIONAL REASONING: You assume that your negative emotions necessarily reflect the way things really are. "I feel it, therefore it must be true." One day in April one of my sons was feeling about as miserable as he could. It was a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad day! When he gets in that mood, it seems only time will get him out of it. But that day, everyone in the family seemed to be feeling the same way. We all went around hissing and spitting at each other. I had to take a step back and ask, "What the heck is really going on here?" The instant I asked the question I knew the answer. CABIN FEVER! As soon as I recognized we made plans to escape. Our emotions said, "There's no escape from this long, hard winter," but the reality was that it was spring! Yay!
8. SHOULD STATEMENTS: You try to motivate yourself with shoulds and shouldn'ts, as if you had to be whipped and punished before you could be expected to do anything. "Musts" and "oughts" are also offenders. The emotional consequence is guilt. When you direct should statements toward others, you feel anger, frustration, and resentment. Frankly, I feel anger, frustration, and resentment even when I direct should statements toward myself. As the mother of seven, I have a lot on my plate, and I resent the notion in my mind that somehow I'm falling short when I'm running as fast as I can. How many distortions can I combine in one thought? That was several, at least.
9. LABELING AND MISLABELING: This is an extreme form of over generalization. Instead of describing your error, you attach a negative label to yourself: "I'm a loser." When someone else's behavior rubs you the wrong way, you attach a negative label to him: "He's a louse." Mislabeling involves describing an event with language that is highly colored and emotionally loaded. I don't know if this one was easy for me to overcome, or if I've just been working on it for a long time. The Bible tells us in Matthew 5:37, "But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil." When I read that I realized I needed to be very precise in my communication, particularly when I'm angry. Instead of saying, "You're such a jerk!" I need to say, "I didn't like that." Instead of threatening, "If you don't take the trash out, you'll have dishes for a week," I need to tell the truth, "If you don't take the trash out, I'll have to stop cooking dinner to take it out myself." It's a simple statement of fact that shows my real reasoning, and interestingly, it gets a much better team effort than the more colorful option.
10. PERSONALIZATION: you see yourself as the cause of some negative external event which in fact you were not primarily responsible for. One of my daughters does this. If I'm having a bad day when she shows up at my house, she figures it's because she showed up. A friend did this when he became a leader of a young men's group shortly before one of the young men killed himself. He figured there must have been something he could have done to stop the tragedy, but the truth is he hardly even knew the boy! This distortion is the mother of crippling guilt. Sense the reality is that you have little to no control over the situation, you can't fix it, and you're stuck living with the guilt. I don't know about you, but living like that would make me very hard to get along with.
Burns assures, "You can learn to correct the distortions that fool you when you are upset." He adds, "Once you have learned how to perceive life more realistically you will experience an enhanced emotional life with a greater appreciation for genuine sadness--which lacks distortion--as well as joy." I believe it. I've seen it in my own life in piece parts, and I keep checking, especially early when I feel myself getting angry, before my rage meter shoots sky high: "Is this feeling based on a distorted cognition?"
A Time Out Story
Here's a story to help answer the question, "What do you do when the rager just won't stop and it happens over and over again cuz even if it's not directed at you it still hurts to have to stay and listen even if you're not in the same room?"
One of my daughters, who is virtually always happy and kind, was very sick as a baby, and consequently, cried a lot. "Colicky" was the word I kept hearing, whatever that was. I can't even begin to count the number of days and nights my husband and I paced the floor with her.
One day, walking, walking, from window to bathroom door and back again, I felt desperate to escape the barrage of sound. In my desire the thought ran through my head to just chuck the noise out the window.
What?! The thought terrified me! I quickly took my little one and laid her in her crib, realizing, that, sad as she was, she was safe in her crib, and it was clear I needed a time out.
I went downstairs, completely out of earshot, for an hour or more. By the time I checked on her she had fallen asleep. It was a sad moment, but I started learning an important lesson:
Time out can be vital to maintaining a loving relationship.
I understood this concept instantly in relation to crying babies. But how many years did I run out of the house when I was upset with my husband, declaring I wouldn't be back, before I realized I should say just the opposite? "I'll be back. I just need a time out." And how much longer did it take me to realize that when my youngest kids were throwing temper tantrums the best thing for them was a time out?
However long, I know it now. Whether I'm being ornery, or someone else is, sometimes I just need to fall back and regroup, go to my quiet place, find my happy thought.
So, in answer to the question, while the rager is showing temper, give both of you a time out. If they won't leave, you leave. Go far enough away that you can't hear them. Stay away long enough for the storm in them and the storm in you to pass. My guess is that you'll need fewer and fewer time outs as time go by.
One of my daughters, who is virtually always happy and kind, was very sick as a baby, and consequently, cried a lot. "Colicky" was the word I kept hearing, whatever that was. I can't even begin to count the number of days and nights my husband and I paced the floor with her.
One day, walking, walking, from window to bathroom door and back again, I felt desperate to escape the barrage of sound. In my desire the thought ran through my head to just chuck the noise out the window.
What?! The thought terrified me! I quickly took my little one and laid her in her crib, realizing, that, sad as she was, she was safe in her crib, and it was clear I needed a time out.
I went downstairs, completely out of earshot, for an hour or more. By the time I checked on her she had fallen asleep. It was a sad moment, but I started learning an important lesson:
Time out can be vital to maintaining a loving relationship.
I understood this concept instantly in relation to crying babies. But how many years did I run out of the house when I was upset with my husband, declaring I wouldn't be back, before I realized I should say just the opposite? "I'll be back. I just need a time out." And how much longer did it take me to realize that when my youngest kids were throwing temper tantrums the best thing for them was a time out?
However long, I know it now. Whether I'm being ornery, or someone else is, sometimes I just need to fall back and regroup, go to my quiet place, find my happy thought.
So, in answer to the question, while the rager is showing temper, give both of you a time out. If they won't leave, you leave. Go far enough away that you can't hear them. Stay away long enough for the storm in them and the storm in you to pass. My guess is that you'll need fewer and fewer time outs as time go by.
What Do You Do?
One rage victim asked me "What do you do when someone is raging?" That's the $64,000 question to victims. We can't stop a rager mid-scream. Even talking rationally to them only makes them angrier. There's absolutely nothing we can do to stop them.
So isn't it completely out of our hands?
Well, not completely. The question is, if we can't control the anger, what can we control? We can control ourselves!
Control ourselves? We're not the ones flying off the handle.
No, but we're the ones choosing to stick around for the show. We're the ones allowing ourselves to be subjected to that type of treatment. We have the power to leave.
What if the rager prevents me from leaving?
If the rager forcibly stops us then we're into physical abuse. I think I would wait until "the opportune moment," as Jack Sparrow says, and then leave forever and never come back. Never having actually been in that situation, I can only surmise.
What if other matters stop me? (For example, my dad effectually uses my mom as a hostage. If we aren't willing to have him around, we can't have her around. If we tell him to go home until he can behave himself, we're also telling mom to go home until Dad can behave himself. Bear in mind, this is a team effort. It wouldn't work without Mom's compliance.)
I agree, the decision isn't an easy one. It would be easier if the rager didn't have anything to hold over us, but if he does we have a tough decision to make. (Which do I want more: not see Mom or be subject to Dad's raging?) It's a tricky choice, and it may flip flop. But if I'm allowing Dad to be around during his fits, I need to be aware that I'm contributing to his ill manners. Notice I put "contributing" in bold. I don't mean "permitting" or "tolerating". I mean "rewarding," "condoning," "validating." I mean I'm part of the problem. If I accept that responsibility, then I have no right to get angry with Dad when he blows his top. I need to get control of myself first!
What if I'm too afraid to walk away?
That's no small reality. I learned this once when I was a victim to rage. You'd think a fellow rager would just be back in the other guy's face, but his 200 pounds looming over me, and his angry face leering down on me were very intimidating. It probably was my own understanding of his mood that allowed me to pull myself up to a standing position and mutter a one word answer to his bellowing. Even adult to adult, rager to rager, and knowing his anger had been triggered by my own unkind words, I felt frightened and that I never wanted to be near him again. It took weeks, even though we live in different cities, for me to call him and lay down my rule of conduct for myself. I won't engage in similar conversations with you in the future. They're too volatile. Now, when I'm around him and a controversial subject arises, it's my job to remove myself from the place, and thereby from the threat of his anger.
That's not fair! Why do I have to leave? Why can't the rager go?
That works for children who are having temper tantrums. We just pick them up and put them in their room. Unfortunately, adults behaving like spoiled toddlers do not become the size of spoiled toddlers. It's simply a question of control. What can I, the victim, control? All I can control is myself. What am I willing to do to stop being yelled at? Am I willing to leave the room? Am I willing to go by myself? Would I rather be a willing victim and hang around until it all blows over, even knowing I'm fueling future crises?
There's one caveat I must add. I've said it before. Even if I'm willing to stick around and be raged at, I have an obligation to remove those who can't remove themselves, those who have no control. That includes children, disabled, elderly, etc. And, since I have now contributed to the problem and become a willing participant, I have the responsibility to prevent future tirades at those innocent victims at a time when I'm not around, by removing them from the proximity of the rager, if necessary, while I'm gone.
What if I just freeze because I'm so stunned by what's happening?
I'm sorry to say the problem will still get worse. I can't say we've willingly contributed. It's clear we were blindsided. But we'll have to sit down and have a very frank chat with ourselves afterward to decide how we will respond in future similar circumstances. Then we'll have to practice our response, so when the time comes we're ready. Let's not deceive ourselves that it was a one time occurrence. It'll be repeated as long as the rager gets away with it. What's more, it'll escalate.
So isn't it completely out of our hands?
Well, not completely. The question is, if we can't control the anger, what can we control? We can control ourselves!
Control ourselves? We're not the ones flying off the handle.
No, but we're the ones choosing to stick around for the show. We're the ones allowing ourselves to be subjected to that type of treatment. We have the power to leave.
What if the rager prevents me from leaving?
If the rager forcibly stops us then we're into physical abuse. I think I would wait until "the opportune moment," as Jack Sparrow says, and then leave forever and never come back. Never having actually been in that situation, I can only surmise.
What if other matters stop me? (For example, my dad effectually uses my mom as a hostage. If we aren't willing to have him around, we can't have her around. If we tell him to go home until he can behave himself, we're also telling mom to go home until Dad can behave himself. Bear in mind, this is a team effort. It wouldn't work without Mom's compliance.)
I agree, the decision isn't an easy one. It would be easier if the rager didn't have anything to hold over us, but if he does we have a tough decision to make. (Which do I want more: not see Mom or be subject to Dad's raging?) It's a tricky choice, and it may flip flop. But if I'm allowing Dad to be around during his fits, I need to be aware that I'm contributing to his ill manners. Notice I put "contributing" in bold. I don't mean "permitting" or "tolerating". I mean "rewarding," "condoning," "validating." I mean I'm part of the problem. If I accept that responsibility, then I have no right to get angry with Dad when he blows his top. I need to get control of myself first!
What if I'm too afraid to walk away?
That's no small reality. I learned this once when I was a victim to rage. You'd think a fellow rager would just be back in the other guy's face, but his 200 pounds looming over me, and his angry face leering down on me were very intimidating. It probably was my own understanding of his mood that allowed me to pull myself up to a standing position and mutter a one word answer to his bellowing. Even adult to adult, rager to rager, and knowing his anger had been triggered by my own unkind words, I felt frightened and that I never wanted to be near him again. It took weeks, even though we live in different cities, for me to call him and lay down my rule of conduct for myself. I won't engage in similar conversations with you in the future. They're too volatile. Now, when I'm around him and a controversial subject arises, it's my job to remove myself from the place, and thereby from the threat of his anger.
That's not fair! Why do I have to leave? Why can't the rager go?
That works for children who are having temper tantrums. We just pick them up and put them in their room. Unfortunately, adults behaving like spoiled toddlers do not become the size of spoiled toddlers. It's simply a question of control. What can I, the victim, control? All I can control is myself. What am I willing to do to stop being yelled at? Am I willing to leave the room? Am I willing to go by myself? Would I rather be a willing victim and hang around until it all blows over, even knowing I'm fueling future crises?
There's one caveat I must add. I've said it before. Even if I'm willing to stick around and be raged at, I have an obligation to remove those who can't remove themselves, those who have no control. That includes children, disabled, elderly, etc. And, since I have now contributed to the problem and become a willing participant, I have the responsibility to prevent future tirades at those innocent victims at a time when I'm not around, by removing them from the proximity of the rager, if necessary, while I'm gone.
What if I just freeze because I'm so stunned by what's happening?
I'm sorry to say the problem will still get worse. I can't say we've willingly contributed. It's clear we were blindsided. But we'll have to sit down and have a very frank chat with ourselves afterward to decide how we will respond in future similar circumstances. Then we'll have to practice our response, so when the time comes we're ready. Let's not deceive ourselves that it was a one time occurrence. It'll be repeated as long as the rager gets away with it. What's more, it'll escalate.
Criticism = Rejection
Criticism = Rejection.
This was a warning from James Jones. When I heard it I knew he was right. When I criticize my kids, I am, in effect, rejecting them. Looking back on harsh words I'd said, I felt sorry for the hurt I had caused them. I imagined my own mother rejecting me, and knew how it would break my heart.
I was clueless. Time and my struggle to overcome my caustic remarks led me to what Jones really meant.
One day my family and I were leaving town on an overnight trip. We had the usual minor stresses with getting out of the house. On the way out of town we stopped to pick up breakfast at McDonald's. One of the boys said, "Dad, you're a great cook!" I added, "Thanks, honey. Thanks a lot." My daughter instantly defended, "I think he was talking about the McDonald's food, Mom."
I was confused. Why did she feel a need to defend anyone from me? Even now I'm not sure what she thought. Possibly that I was being sarcastic? All I know is that somehow I have trained my kids to interpret my words as negative and condemning. In a moment when I'm being straight forward, fair, and gentle that kind of interpretation comes as a slap in the face.
Similar events have happened many times. The first time it happened was when I realized the full meaning of "criticism = rejection." It's not just about me turning away from them. It's about them shunning me. It came to me as a simultaneous aha! moment and duh! moment. Of course they would. It's painful to have acidic words thrown at you. What do we do when we are caused pain? We stop whatever is causing it! If it causes pain to my family when they're with me, they're going to stop being with me!
Though I hadn't put it in those simple terms, "Criticism = Rejection," I knew it all along, really. After yelling at my husband or kids, what became my mantra? "Everybody hates me." Hello? What else could I expect? Of course, everyone wants to avoid unpleasantness and the source of it. If I'm the source, everyone wants to avoid me.
Now here's the tricky part. If you're busy telling yourself everyone hates you, you might try to get them to reassure you to the contrary. If those around you are nicer than you, they may actually give you what you want. But you know, and they know, that if they don't hate you it's because they're nice, not because you are. If they don't reject you it's because of nobility in them. So it ends up a game, taking turns. You're mean - they're hurt - you're repentant - they're forgiving...
My question is, when is it your turn to be forgiving, or hurt? You'll have your time, when you suddenly realize that one by one they have stopped forgiving, or allowing you to hurt them. Then you'll feel what James Jones said, what I'm saying:
Criticism = Rejection.
This was a warning from James Jones. When I heard it I knew he was right. When I criticize my kids, I am, in effect, rejecting them. Looking back on harsh words I'd said, I felt sorry for the hurt I had caused them. I imagined my own mother rejecting me, and knew how it would break my heart.
I was clueless. Time and my struggle to overcome my caustic remarks led me to what Jones really meant.
One day my family and I were leaving town on an overnight trip. We had the usual minor stresses with getting out of the house. On the way out of town we stopped to pick up breakfast at McDonald's. One of the boys said, "Dad, you're a great cook!" I added, "Thanks, honey. Thanks a lot." My daughter instantly defended, "I think he was talking about the McDonald's food, Mom."
I was confused. Why did she feel a need to defend anyone from me? Even now I'm not sure what she thought. Possibly that I was being sarcastic? All I know is that somehow I have trained my kids to interpret my words as negative and condemning. In a moment when I'm being straight forward, fair, and gentle that kind of interpretation comes as a slap in the face.
Similar events have happened many times. The first time it happened was when I realized the full meaning of "criticism = rejection." It's not just about me turning away from them. It's about them shunning me. It came to me as a simultaneous aha! moment and duh! moment. Of course they would. It's painful to have acidic words thrown at you. What do we do when we are caused pain? We stop whatever is causing it! If it causes pain to my family when they're with me, they're going to stop being with me!
Though I hadn't put it in those simple terms, "Criticism = Rejection," I knew it all along, really. After yelling at my husband or kids, what became my mantra? "Everybody hates me." Hello? What else could I expect? Of course, everyone wants to avoid unpleasantness and the source of it. If I'm the source, everyone wants to avoid me.
Now here's the tricky part. If you're busy telling yourself everyone hates you, you might try to get them to reassure you to the contrary. If those around you are nicer than you, they may actually give you what you want. But you know, and they know, that if they don't hate you it's because they're nice, not because you are. If they don't reject you it's because of nobility in them. So it ends up a game, taking turns. You're mean - they're hurt - you're repentant - they're forgiving...
My question is, when is it your turn to be forgiving, or hurt? You'll have your time, when you suddenly realize that one by one they have stopped forgiving, or allowing you to hurt them. Then you'll feel what James Jones said, what I'm saying:
Criticism = Rejection.
About Control
I'm a little concerned. In my post entitled, "Wake Up! When Verbal Abuse Becomes Physical," I may have confused some people. There are things I WANT to clear up, and others I NEED to clear up.
What I want to clear up:
• I'm not a slimy mom who sits around generally neglecting her kids.
• I've been involved with my kids in many of their activities, PTA, scouts, music, drama, etc.
• I'm very willing and good at helping my kids when they're struggling with their homework.
• I'm not a stage-mom. That is to say my kids are involved in things THEY are interested in, not necessarily what I'm interested in. For example, I have kids involved in writing, music, health, science, history, etc. Some of these are not my forte, but they are theirs and I'm glad for them.
• Many people compliment my mothering, setting me up as an example of good parenting. Boy, that makes me cringe inside! And I can't say anything cuz I really have great kids! All I can say is, "Yeah, my husband and I got really lucky."
I guess I just wanted to say these things because I don't want other ragers to stick me in a convenient little slot they label "bad moms" that they don't fit in, and then walk away without facing the cold hard fact of their own responsibility.
What I NEED to clear up are a few sentences in my last post that need clarifying:
The question is, if I'm really so out of control, why ask me to address the problem? I can't. Right? And if I've really given up control, how can I decide to throw something so it doesn't hurt anyone?
Good questions. Clearly I have some amount of control, and yet there's a certain amount of control I lack. I can't fix the problem by myself, but NOBODY can solve the problem without ME. So what control do I have?
The problem can only be overcome if:
1. I decide it's unacceptable and must stop. (Hard to come to because it shames me, but only after I come to this conclusion will I stop.)
2. I realize my inability to stop it. (Again hard to come to because being this powerless is embarrassing, and again, this acknowledgment must come from me.)
3. I find a power stronger than me or my anger to help me stop it. (While I can't stop it, only I can seek out a power that can.)
The fact that I threw things, but only where I knew it wouldn't hurt people is evidence that physically hurting people was unacceptable to me, but somehow threatening or raging at them was okay. (Keep in mind I'm telling you things that took me years to face and figure out. If you'll read these posts over and over, gleaning only one tidbit a day, you'll be way ahead of me and have better relationships, and more guilt-free time than I've had. Hooray!) It was through watching others rage, and the affect it had on those around them, that I realized even verbally hurting someone was unacceptable behavior. When I began trying to stop raging altogether, using a million little tricks of will, over time I finally realized it was beyond me. I couldn't do it alone. That's when things started getting better. That's when my relationships started healing.
What I want to clear up:
• I'm not a slimy mom who sits around generally neglecting her kids.
• I've been involved with my kids in many of their activities, PTA, scouts, music, drama, etc.
• I'm very willing and good at helping my kids when they're struggling with their homework.
• I'm not a stage-mom. That is to say my kids are involved in things THEY are interested in, not necessarily what I'm interested in. For example, I have kids involved in writing, music, health, science, history, etc. Some of these are not my forte, but they are theirs and I'm glad for them.
• Many people compliment my mothering, setting me up as an example of good parenting. Boy, that makes me cringe inside! And I can't say anything cuz I really have great kids! All I can say is, "Yeah, my husband and I got really lucky."
I guess I just wanted to say these things because I don't want other ragers to stick me in a convenient little slot they label "bad moms" that they don't fit in, and then walk away without facing the cold hard fact of their own responsibility.
What I NEED to clear up are a few sentences in my last post that need clarifying:
We admitted we were powerless over our [anger]--that our lives had become unmanageable.
I had let anger take control of my life.
I threw things a couple times, but I always made sure it wasn't gonna get close to anyone.
I'd like to say all my troubles with anger ceased and desisted from then on, but as I said before, I had given up my control.
The question is, if I'm really so out of control, why ask me to address the problem? I can't. Right? And if I've really given up control, how can I decide to throw something so it doesn't hurt anyone?
Good questions. Clearly I have some amount of control, and yet there's a certain amount of control I lack. I can't fix the problem by myself, but NOBODY can solve the problem without ME. So what control do I have?
The problem can only be overcome if:
1. I decide it's unacceptable and must stop. (Hard to come to because it shames me, but only after I come to this conclusion will I stop.)
2. I realize my inability to stop it. (Again hard to come to because being this powerless is embarrassing, and again, this acknowledgment must come from me.)
3. I find a power stronger than me or my anger to help me stop it. (While I can't stop it, only I can seek out a power that can.)
The fact that I threw things, but only where I knew it wouldn't hurt people is evidence that physically hurting people was unacceptable to me, but somehow threatening or raging at them was okay. (Keep in mind I'm telling you things that took me years to face and figure out. If you'll read these posts over and over, gleaning only one tidbit a day, you'll be way ahead of me and have better relationships, and more guilt-free time than I've had. Hooray!) It was through watching others rage, and the affect it had on those around them, that I realized even verbally hurting someone was unacceptable behavior. When I began trying to stop raging altogether, using a million little tricks of will, over time I finally realized it was beyond me. I couldn't do it alone. That's when things started getting better. That's when my relationships started healing.
Wake Up! When Verbal Abuse Turns Physical
I was going to write this post on another way my religion has helped me overcome my anger issues, but what if you're not religious? You might blow off this blog and never get the help you need. I figured I could validate my post by appealing to the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous. After all, it's been used in a million other ways. The problem arose with the first step.
1. We admitted we were powerless over our [anger]--that our lives had become unmanageable.
The problem is our anger serves us as a tool of power. That's what it's all about! So how the heck do we admit that we're power-less? I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. My road to recognizing my powerlessness started when I was a young mother, but it wasn't a lights on thing. It was an evolution.
It started when my oldest daughter was about four. She had this little two shelf bookcase. As I recall we had it in the living room of our apartment. One day all her books were strewn on the floor and I asked her to pick them up. She tried but made a terrible job of it. In frustration I started hurling condemning words at her with each book I took off the jumbled pile.
I know, you're thinking, "Hello, she's freaking four-years-old!" Remember, we're not talking about a sane person here. I had let anger take control of my life.
Eventually my flying words were accompanied with books, and one of them hit my innocent little girl across the bridge of the nose. The realization of what I had done horrified me and my anger died instantly.
Of course I did the usual repenting, saying I was sorry and I'd never do it again. And I didn't. Well, I threw things a couple times, but I always made sure it wasn't gonna get close to anyone. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Rationalizing! Aaaaugh!
She had a black eye for a while, but other than that she was okay and I figured the incident was over.
Shortly afterward someone asked my little girl how she got the black eye and she told them, "Mommy hit me." Great! Next thing I knew there were policemen at my door. They checked her out, we told them the situation and they went away. Later they called and told me to take a parenting class, which I did.
Another time my little girl and I were walking along hand in hand when she decided she didn't want to go along. She didn't fuss. I didn't tug. She just sat down, totally taking me by surprise. Her elbow became dislocated. When we took her to the doctor he asked the necessary questions, probing abuse possibilities. I knew I was totally innocent of any wrong doing this time, and I was so relieved!
I'd like to say all my troubles with anger ceased and desisted from then on, but as I said before, I had given up my control. What's more, I didn't know it! At least, if I did, I wouldn't admit it, even to myself.
Do yourself a favor. Just say it! "I'm powerless over my anger. It has me whipped!" Then you'll be ready to find out where to get help.
1. We admitted we were powerless over our [anger]--that our lives had become unmanageable.
The problem is our anger serves us as a tool of power. That's what it's all about! So how the heck do we admit that we're power-less? I hope it doesn't take you as long as it took me. My road to recognizing my powerlessness started when I was a young mother, but it wasn't a lights on thing. It was an evolution.
It started when my oldest daughter was about four. She had this little two shelf bookcase. As I recall we had it in the living room of our apartment. One day all her books were strewn on the floor and I asked her to pick them up. She tried but made a terrible job of it. In frustration I started hurling condemning words at her with each book I took off the jumbled pile.
I know, you're thinking, "Hello, she's freaking four-years-old!" Remember, we're not talking about a sane person here. I had let anger take control of my life.
Eventually my flying words were accompanied with books, and one of them hit my innocent little girl across the bridge of the nose. The realization of what I had done horrified me and my anger died instantly.
Of course I did the usual repenting, saying I was sorry and I'd never do it again. And I didn't. Well, I threw things a couple times, but I always made sure it wasn't gonna get close to anyone. Dumb, dumb, dumb. Rationalizing! Aaaaugh!
She had a black eye for a while, but other than that she was okay and I figured the incident was over.
Shortly afterward someone asked my little girl how she got the black eye and she told them, "Mommy hit me." Great! Next thing I knew there were policemen at my door. They checked her out, we told them the situation and they went away. Later they called and told me to take a parenting class, which I did.
Another time my little girl and I were walking along hand in hand when she decided she didn't want to go along. She didn't fuss. I didn't tug. She just sat down, totally taking me by surprise. Her elbow became dislocated. When we took her to the doctor he asked the necessary questions, probing abuse possibilities. I knew I was totally innocent of any wrong doing this time, and I was so relieved!
I'd like to say all my troubles with anger ceased and desisted from then on, but as I said before, I had given up my control. What's more, I didn't know it! At least, if I did, I wouldn't admit it, even to myself.
Do yourself a favor. Just say it! "I'm powerless over my anger. It has me whipped!" Then you'll be ready to find out where to get help.
I Can Become More ____________.
Despite my problem with the topic of this blog, I'm a very religious person. I believe I'm a child of God. One day I got to thinking about that belief and exactly what it means.
My grandson is at the perfect age to imitate. He copies us word for word. "See the car," from us elicits "See the car," from him. "Want a nap?" begets "Want a nap? No." "Do you want candy?" evokes "Do you want candy? Okay." None of my grandkids can do what their parents do, but they all keep trying. My kids couldn't do what I could until they were grown. If I'm really a child of God, that means even if I can't do what God can do, I can learn.
If God is kind, I can become more kind because I am His child. If God is organized, I can become more organized because I am His child. If God is patient, I can become more patient, because I am His child! Wow!
I wrote it on 3x5 and put it by my bed. "I am a child of God and I can become more _________." I had a power within me I hadn't tapped. Now I tap into it regularly.
After losing my temper my life feels totally out of control. Everyone around me seems to hate me (who can blame them?), I don't like myself, and I can't ever influence people or things the way I'd like to. I can't even control ME, for crying out loud! Then I remember my 3x5.
I am a child of God and I can become more SELF-CONTROLLED.
Over time, I have found the power to become more self-controlled before I fly off the handle. Every time this happens I feel a greater sense of control over my life, then I'm more able to avoid destructive fury. Up and up I go. I am a child of God and I can become more.
My grandson is at the perfect age to imitate. He copies us word for word. "See the car," from us elicits "See the car," from him. "Want a nap?" begets "Want a nap? No." "Do you want candy?" evokes "Do you want candy? Okay." None of my grandkids can do what their parents do, but they all keep trying. My kids couldn't do what I could until they were grown. If I'm really a child of God, that means even if I can't do what God can do, I can learn.
If God is kind, I can become more kind because I am His child. If God is organized, I can become more organized because I am His child. If God is patient, I can become more patient, because I am His child! Wow!
I wrote it on 3x5 and put it by my bed. "I am a child of God and I can become more _________." I had a power within me I hadn't tapped. Now I tap into it regularly.
After losing my temper my life feels totally out of control. Everyone around me seems to hate me (who can blame them?), I don't like myself, and I can't ever influence people or things the way I'd like to. I can't even control ME, for crying out loud! Then I remember my 3x5.
I am a child of God and I can become more SELF-CONTROLLED.
Over time, I have found the power to become more self-controlled before I fly off the handle. Every time this happens I feel a greater sense of control over my life, then I'm more able to avoid destructive fury. Up and up I go. I am a child of God and I can become more.
The Rage Meter
The concept of the rage meter isn't my idea, but it has helped me scads over the years.
James Jones teaches a series called "Let's Fix the Kids." In it he talks about the rage meter. He describes what so often happened in my house. See if you recognize it:
1. Heading to my bedroom to dress for my meeting I say to the couch potatoes, "Turn off the t.v. and get the dishes washed."
2. Heading out the door to my meeting, I repeat, "I said, turn off the t.v. and wash the dishes. I want them done before I get back."
3. Returning from the meeting, "What the heck?! I told you to get the dishes done!"
4. etc., only louder
5. etc., louder still
6. Storming to the t.v., slamming it off and yelling like a banshee, "All right, I've had it! Get in there right now and get those dishes done or I'll..." Voila! Instant obedience.
James Jones talks about your level of rage. With each of these steps my rage meter goes up... and up... and up, until I blow! Who could blame me, with the frustration of all those times I asked so patiently? If I have to yell to be heard, what else can I do? Herein my very thinking defeats my attempts at patience.
James Jones explains that while it may seem the yelling did the trick, it's really the action of turning off the t.v. I tried it, and I'm here to tell my fellow ragers, desperate to be heard, Jones is right!
I may look mean when I walk up and turn off the t.v. right in the middle of a program, but I feel and look a heck of a lot nicer than when I go ballistic. What's more, the dishes actually get done!
What is it that's bumping up your rage meter? What action can you take before you bust wide open? Do something right at the beginning, while you still have the sanity and self-control to be reasonable.
James Jones teaches a series called "Let's Fix the Kids." In it he talks about the rage meter. He describes what so often happened in my house. See if you recognize it:
1. Heading to my bedroom to dress for my meeting I say to the couch potatoes, "Turn off the t.v. and get the dishes washed."
2. Heading out the door to my meeting, I repeat, "I said, turn off the t.v. and wash the dishes. I want them done before I get back."
3. Returning from the meeting, "What the heck?! I told you to get the dishes done!"
4. etc., only louder
5. etc., louder still
6. Storming to the t.v., slamming it off and yelling like a banshee, "All right, I've had it! Get in there right now and get those dishes done or I'll..." Voila! Instant obedience.
James Jones talks about your level of rage. With each of these steps my rage meter goes up... and up... and up, until I blow! Who could blame me, with the frustration of all those times I asked so patiently? If I have to yell to be heard, what else can I do? Herein my very thinking defeats my attempts at patience.
James Jones explains that while it may seem the yelling did the trick, it's really the action of turning off the t.v. I tried it, and I'm here to tell my fellow ragers, desperate to be heard, Jones is right!
I may look mean when I walk up and turn off the t.v. right in the middle of a program, but I feel and look a heck of a lot nicer than when I go ballistic. What's more, the dishes actually get done!
What is it that's bumping up your rage meter? What action can you take before you bust wide open? Do something right at the beginning, while you still have the sanity and self-control to be reasonable.
Stop the Storm
My dad yelled at my mom again, right in front of my young teenage boys. Some of you (you who are ragers and you who get raged at) know that I don't mean your basic yelling. Exasperated yelling, like saying loudly, "Leave me alone!" You know I mean shouting furious, critical, even hateful words. You know this kind of yelling is often accompanied by threatening words or body language. And you know how you feel afterward. Whether you're the rager or the ragee, you want to crawl in a hole and never come out.
Of course, afterward my mom didn't want to talk about it, and my dad started fishing for any signs of acceptance. Meanwhile, I tried to let my sons know Grandpa's actions were unacceptable in any way. Inside me is a tornado of emotions. Up goes my own rage at my father's abuse. Down - I feel sad for my kind and gentle mother. Up - frustration at her unwillingness to reject Dad's behavior. Spinning faster - I see myself, my own raging. Understanding of my dad tumbles over absolute rejection of his conduct. How can I silence the storm? This blog is my attempt.
This violent form of verbal abuse is a real problem in my family. Besides my dad and me, there are others who all ragers. Having raged and having been raged at, I see the damage. So let's talk.
Here is the only rule I can think of so far:
1. Anything that looks like a real name, any yucky language, whether swearing or not, and any name calling will be deleted at my discretion.
One other thing: All people involved in a raging relationship may become a part of the problem, even if it doesn't originate with them. We ragers need to stop expecting our victims to stop us, and we victims need to change circumstances that allow ragers to hurt us. I can't stop my dad from yelling at my mom. I can't make my mom take a break from him when he's yelling. But I can decide my boys won't be present when it happens. I don't need to be extreme. I just need to arrange circumstances so that they aren't alone with my mom and dad, or even just my dad, until I have taught them how to extract themselves from such unpleasant situations.
Of course, afterward my mom didn't want to talk about it, and my dad started fishing for any signs of acceptance. Meanwhile, I tried to let my sons know Grandpa's actions were unacceptable in any way. Inside me is a tornado of emotions. Up goes my own rage at my father's abuse. Down - I feel sad for my kind and gentle mother. Up - frustration at her unwillingness to reject Dad's behavior. Spinning faster - I see myself, my own raging. Understanding of my dad tumbles over absolute rejection of his conduct. How can I silence the storm? This blog is my attempt.
This violent form of verbal abuse is a real problem in my family. Besides my dad and me, there are others who all ragers. Having raged and having been raged at, I see the damage. So let's talk.
Here is the only rule I can think of so far:
1. Anything that looks like a real name, any yucky language, whether swearing or not, and any name calling will be deleted at my discretion.
One other thing: All people involved in a raging relationship may become a part of the problem, even if it doesn't originate with them. We ragers need to stop expecting our victims to stop us, and we victims need to change circumstances that allow ragers to hurt us. I can't stop my dad from yelling at my mom. I can't make my mom take a break from him when he's yelling. But I can decide my boys won't be present when it happens. I don't need to be extreme. I just need to arrange circumstances so that they aren't alone with my mom and dad, or even just my dad, until I have taught them how to extract themselves from such unpleasant situations.
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